Episode 17, Part 2: Doug Meets Fentruck

Like nearly all episodes of Doug, we begin with a fantasy. This time Doug is an old west sheriff, sitting at the bar in a saloon with a carton of moo moo milk.

Everyone else has run to the hills because some dangerous stranger has come into town for a showdown with Sheriff Doug! This will certainly be relevant to Doug's real life crisis...

So at school, everyone is dressed in weird costumes that involve silly hats and bowls of fruit worn as hats.

Roger's playing the old "where's Doug? Has anybody seen Doug?" routine to get laughs. Everyone laughs.

Oh, why are they wearing this shit? They're getting a foreign exchange student and Mr. Bone made them dress in the new student's traditional clothes. He also teaches them their traditional greeting.

The traditional greeting involves saying "zwooba zwooba zwooba" while making armpit farts. This new student is from the wonderful country Yakostonia.

Anyway, the new student walks up and says "Greetings to you! My heart is spongy with happiness. I am so delighted for you to see you...me!" Hardly the traditional Yakostonian greeting there, Fentruck. Oh, yeah...his name is Fentruck.

Beebe and one of the girls I'm not sure was ever named giggle and say he's cute and has a dreamy accent.
Later Roger introduces himself and says that there's a tradition that the new kid has to buy him lunch. Then he leaves without being much of a dick.

Doug sees it and helps out before any kicking happens.

Fentruck is pleased he is meeting so many new friends. He invites Doug over to Mr. Bone's after school, because that's where he's staying. Fentruck and Mr. Bone are members of the International Organization of Yodelers. They sponsored his trip to Bluffington for some reason.

So the reason Fentruck wanted Doug to come over was because he needed help writing a letter.

It begins strong. "Hi yellow-haired girl who sits in front of me,"

Doug is impressed. It's only been a day and he's already got his eye's on a girl. "But who was it? Shouldn't be too hard to figure out." Doug has to work through this for some reason.

I like that he focuses on the "sits in front of me part" and not the "yellow-haired" part. It would be too easy to narrow it down to one person if he just went by hair color. Also, this sort of reinforces my theory about Doug and how he sees color. Oh shit...

Patti always uses the fog machine and stage lights. It just makes her entrances more dramatic. She sits down and Fentruck flirts with her. It's great. Then the real Fentruck has to rock Doug's chair to wake him from this crazy fantasy.

Oh, right. Shit, Doug. Fentruck from Yakostonia is moving in on your girl. Well...not your girl. A girl you like but are too scared to do anything about. Still! What are you going to do!? He wants you to help him write her a letter!

Doug tells him he doesn't have time to work on it now, so maybe he should take it home to finish it. As thanks, Fentruck gives him a jar of air from the top of some mountain in Yakostonia.

At school the next day, Doug is wondering how he's going to tell Fentruck that he can't write the letter. Then Fentruck walks up and says, "Hurry Doog (that's how he pronounces it with his dreamy accent), if we are to be picking lab partners." Then Doug worries that he'll pick Patti to be his lab partner. After that, they'll probably get engaged, then married, then they'll have kids and name them all Doug just to fuck with him.
Roger and his goons walk up and laugh at Fentruck's accent.

The rickets situation is getting a lot better. Boomer has the best line here. "Yeah, but the girls like his accent."

HAHAHA! GIRLS LIKE YOUR ACCENT, YOU STUPID FOREIGNER! I BET YOU WISH YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT ACCENT, HUH!?

Anyway, this gives Doug a brilliant idea. He'll put on a fake accent.

Doug and Fentruck are sitting at different tables when Patti walks in.

For fuck's sake, Doug. When are you going to realize this kind of vision is not normal. Get medication.

Doug puts on his best French accent as Patti gets closer and closer.

"Patti...would you be ze lab partner of et moi?" He goes on with other French shit. He's saying this shit out loud, and Patti completely ignores him.

Patti walks right up to Fentruck and asks to be his lab partner. Doug gets partnered up with Roger because he's the only one left.

After school Doug tries to do the whole "I have this friend, who isn't me" routine that only happens in tv and movie to explain the situation to Skeeter. Skeeter falls on the ground because of how confusing Doug is being with his problem.

Seriously. Skeeter tells Doug that he should just tell Fentruck how he feels about Patti. How simple. Why don't you tell Patti too, while you're at it?

The next day, Doug is walking into school.

"This was it. The showdown. It was either gonna be him or me. And it wasn't gonna be me."
And after walking through the front doors, we are taken back to his old west fantasy.

"Hey, hombre! I'm callin' you out!"
"Are you talking to me, fair and good sheriff Doog?"
"You know who I'm talkin' to, dude! And you better saddle your horse and get if you know what's good for ya!"
"What means you?"
"I said 'get!'"
"'Get? Get'...what means this 'get,' Doog?"

And on that last line, Doug fades back into reality.

Pretty awesome how Doug is bullying foreigners old west-style. Pretty troubling that he slips in and out of reality like this.

Doug clarifies. "It means I can't write your letter for you and you better get someone else."

When Fentruck asks why, Doug explains that he also has the same feelings for the girl that sits in front of him.
Then Fentruck asks him how he knows his sister. Because apparently in Yakostonia they have this idiotic expression where they say an older sibling sits in front of them. See?

Other cultures are stupid. When I write a letter to someone (never happened), I use that person's name, because a vague description of them is idiotic. Yellow-haired girl that sits in front of me? What the shit is that? Doug should be pissed. Also, why was it necessary for Doug's help anyway? He said he wanted the letter in English, but why? Unnecessary. And what was the letter going to be about? It would've been terribly embarrassing if Doug had written a love letter confession from Fentruck to his sister, but Fentruck gave him no details regarding the contents of the letter. All he had was the greeting for the letter. If you need help with the grammar, write the fucking letter and ask Doug to help you fix parts that are grammatically incorrect. This is the craziest way to write your sister a letter.

At the realization that it's just a letter to his sister, this happens...

So anyway, Doug takes it back and decides to help write the letter. He comes to the conclusion that Fentruck doesn't like Patti based on no evidence at all. Patti didn't come up in the conversation, but still Doug says "so Fentruck didn't like Patti. What a relief! But did Patti like Fentruck?"

He approaches Patti who quickly tells him that she was going to ask him to be her lab partner but she decided to help Fentruck because she heard he was already helping him with the letter. This pleases Doug a lot, but just not enough for him to tell her he likes her and to ask her on a date. A real date. Not that stupid time when they went to the fair as friends, or the fucking dinner date shit. Doug wastes all of his opportunities. He sucks.
And so back in the lab Roger tries to use the Yakostonian air jar for his lab assignment.

But Doug stops him.

And he used the beaker that has some purple shit in it.

And everyone laughs at the poor kid with rickets. Thanks, Doug.

This post isn't about Doug...

But you might like it anyway.

I recorded an album about the first season of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. There's 24 songs. A song for every episode. It's called The Fresh Prince Project.

If you click on that link, you can stream it or download it. It's set at "name your price" with no minimum, so it's essentially free. You can give me money if you want, but it isn't necessary.

There's also an option to buy an actual cd. The cds come with a painting of your choice in jewel cases. These are $15 to cover the cost of shipping, the materials, and the time I'm going to spend painting the picture.

I guess that's about it. If you like it, please pass it along.

I'm just hopelessly obsessed with early 90's television...

Episode 17, Part 1: Doug's Dinner Date

This episode is centered around an ongoing fantasy where Doug is some kind of fairy tale knight.

Or prince?

He has to complete 3 tasks in order to win the fair Patti of Mayonnaise's heart.

We join the fantasy after Doug has already completed the first two tasks. The first task was apparently "silencing the whiners of Moo." I think that's what the king said anyway. Doug definitely silenced the whiners of somewhere. The second task was recovering the great girdle of Gilgamesh. The third task is eating a plate of liver and onions.

We begin with a conversation between Doug and Patti.

Doug narrating: "The trouble all started at school the other day. Patti finally said what I've been hoping she'd say to me since the first day we met."

Patti: "I said, 'would you like to have supper at my house Sunday night?'"

"Huh? Supper? Sunday? You mean, you and me?"

"Yeah! You, and me, and Skeeter, and Chalky, and Beebe, and Roger. You know. The whole gang!"

"Well...hey...yeah. Sure."

"Oh, by the way, Doug. We're having your favorite. Liver and onions!"

This is classic Doug. He's so wrapped up in himself that Patti has to repeat what she said. Then he immediately jumps to the wrong conclusion and won't relent on it throughout the episode. Then he's hesitant about the whole thing because it isn't just the two of them. And then he fails to tell her how he really feels, even if it's just regarding liver and onions.

So his first move is to ask Skeeter about his experience with liver and onions. Skeeter says he's been eating it his entire life. At first he hated it, but now he almost likes it. So Doug gets this idea that he'll eat a bunch of liver and onions before Sunday so he can maybe get used to it. He tells his mom to make him some tonight, and I guess he invites Skeeter to eat the food she already cooked for him.

Skeeter loves Theda's cooking. Doug is getting grossed out by his food and goes back to the fantasy.

The liver on his plate turns into the tongue of the liver dragon. Whatever that is. Fighting ensues.

With claws, and teeth, and presumably fire breath, the liver dragon chooses to duel with a fork. The liver dragon knocks Doug down with his tail and the fantasy fades out. Doug is physically ill and dizzy. He excuses himself and stumbles away.

Seriously. The liver dragon don't fuck around.

Up in Doug's room, Skeeter tries hypnosis.

He does the typical hypnosis shit you see on tv and tells Doug that when he looks at his plate, he will see honkerdogs and fries instead of liver and onions. Skeeter turns on the light and tells Doug to look at his food.

It didn't work...properly. His plate is still just liver and onions but...

Fucking hell. Doug might be a cannibal.

Since hypnosis failed, the next logical stop is Mr. Dink. He's got a brilliant idea. It's not so much an idea as it is a product that was of course "very expensive."

Taste B Gone Tongue Protector. Apparently you just put a few drops on your tongue and you won't be able to taste a thing. This should be perfect, if it works. Mr. Dink demonstrates by squirting some on his tongue and eating anchovies. Cool. Problem solved.

Oh wait. No. This is Doug. He takes the Taste B Gone Tongue Protector, puts it in his bathroom and says it's time for some sisterly advice. Why? Seems like you've got your solution right there? What does he think Judy is going to tell him that is better than being unable to taste the food? Who knows, but he's asking anyway, and completely disregarding a perfectly good solution because he's a crazy jackass.

Judy's advice is classic. "To understand liver and onions, you must become liver and onions." Then she makes Doug lie on the floor with her while she pretends the floor is the frying pan, she is onions, and he is liver.

She's just faking a seizure for attention. Doug quickly recognizes this as bullshit and leaves. Sadly neither one recognizes the other's need for real psychological help. After this, there is a quick shot of the fantasy still playing out, but the dragon is gone and is back to just being a plate of liver and onions.

And so then on Saturday night, the Funnie family went to their favorite restaurant. It is Cowboy Jacques House of Boeuf. The waiter is French. It's a crazy cowboy steakhouse-themed French restaurant. Of course it is the Funnie family's favorite place to go. Doug orders liver and onions. Everyone in the place is shocked. Absolutely shocked.

This is ridiculous, Doug. You don't expect us to believe everyone, including the waiter, was shocked, do you? Your parents might be shocked. Or just pissed. They have good reason to suspect you're not going to eat that shit and they have to pay for it. Whatever.

Doug cuts a piece and starts to put it in his mouth. He hesitates for a second and insanity takes over.


That's right. Patti of Mayonnaise from Doug's medieval fairy tale fantasy just reached into the real world where Doug is at a French restaurant that requires you to wear cowboy hats to remove his hat and offer him some words of encouragement. Try to make sense of that.

Oh, and what does fantasy Patti say that convinces him to go through with it? "Oh, by the way Doug, we're having your favorite! Liver and onions. See ya!" What the shit is that?

After the first bite, Doug drifts off into the fantasy where the king congratulates him and brings Patti out. The king actually says, "congratulations, young person. The princess is yours." Women are property.

Still chewing. First impressions are tough.

The fantasy ends to reveal Doug has eaten the whole meal, and the entire restaurant is clapping and cheering and throwing their hats in celebration of some stupid 11 year old's mundane accomplishment.

So Doug is finally ready for the dinner party. He shows up with Skeeter and everyone is already waiting for them.

Doug gets creepy for a minute as he goes on and on about how he can't wait to eat Patti's liver and onions. He's going to eat so much liver and onions it's going to be ridiculous. Then Patti reveals she was just joking about that because she knows how much Doug hates liver and onions.

HA! HA! HA!

All that turmoil for fucking nothing. This isn't as bad as when he ran away from home because he thought he burned down the school science lab based on rumor and a failure of logic (obviously), but it's fucking amazing that it was caused by Patti. She just put him through the same shit Roger puts him through. Fucking perfect.

So what are they having for supper? Honkerdogs and fries!

Fuck. You better get to a hospital, Doug.

RIGHT! FUCKING! NOW!

Anyway, later at home, as Doug is writing in his journal, Porkchop experiments with hypnosis.

Who says you can't hypnotize yourself? You just need a mirror.

See?

There's something I need to address. Doug's ongoing 3 tasks fantasy does not apply in any way to his dilemma. In reality, he only had to deal with one task. And succeeding never meant shit regarding his relationship with Patti. And it wasn't even a real task.

Pretending Patti wasn't joking, there are only two outcomes of this dinner date for Doug. He can't stomach the liver and onions and Patti is maybe slightly hurt that Doug didn't warn her about his hatred of the shit, or he eats it, pretends he loves it, and Patti sends him home with the leftovers and nothing else ever comes of it. He never would've impressed her into a relationship by eating liver and fucking onions. No such thing has ever happened in the history of the world.

Episode 16, Part 2: Doug's on TV

This episode begins with a visit from Aunt Betty Anne. She works at a tv station in Bloatsburg and barely gets any time off, so a visit from her is pretty special!

She has great news! Doug's going to be on tv! Finally! After all of these fantasies about tv shows! This will be great! Doug's going to love this! See?

After the title animation, we go right to fantasy. It's great.

Fuck yes! It's a basic late night talk show format. The Doug Funnie Show even has a great announcer!

She doesn't even get a special wardrobe for this shit. I'd make a joke about how she got the job by sleeping with the star of the show, but I know that even in his fantasy he wouldn't make her do that. I'm actually almost surprised he wasn't the announcer for her late night talk show. He's just so pathetic.

Anyway, as his aunt said he was going to be on tv, not "I got you a show that's going to be named after you because YOU'RE THE HOST!" this fantasy is just more crazy to throw on the pile.

When Doug comes out of the fantasy, his aunt tells him what show he's going to be on. It's a little show called Cowpoke Pete's Kiddie Corral. That name should be enough to tell you that Doug is too old for it. It's a show for little kids, and Doug is a regular kid. Doug, of course, imagines what it's going to be like going on the show.

The host comes out and announces that this week, you'll get to see Doug Funnie! The biggest little baby in the world!

"AIN'T THAT RIGHT, FLAPJACK!"

Flapjack is that clown. Typical sidekick. Flapjack is a bit of a dick and he honks his stupid horn in Doug's face a few times. That shit's loud. And then for no explainable reason (other than "this is happening in Doug's mind"), Doug blows up like a balloon.

And floats up into the rafters, screaming like a baby. WHY!? Doug, until this point, your fantasy was totally believable. They probably would make an 11 year old put on a bonnet and diaper. They probably would make an 11 year old sit in a high chair. They probably would blow a stupid horn in an 11 year old's face. They will never be able to fill you up with helium in this manner. It is not possible.

So later Doug is telling Skeeter about the whole thing when Aunt Betty Anne intrudes and asks if Skeeter will go on the show with Doug. He makes up an excuse about having all of his teeth drilled that day, but Doug insists. Damn, Doug. Skeeter had the perfect excuse. It's somehow more polite to say you're getting all of your teeth drilled than to say you're simply too old for the show. Damn.

But Skeeter at least has a plan...even if it's just this lazy.

He apologizes to Doug for only being able to find one disguise. And boy, what a great disguise. Instead of looking like a kid that's just too old to be here, he's going for that creepy, old pedophile in the children's show audience look.

And what is this anyway? I thought Doug was going to be on tv. He's just sitting in the crowd. Well, Cowpoke Pete's Kiddie Corral has this thing where Pete throws his hat into the crowd and whoever catches it gets to come down and play Romper Roundup! The hat lands on Doug's head. The show is fixed. What a bunch of horse shit. The rest of the other kids should've yelled "shenanigans!"

As Doug is getting up, Skeeter reassures him that no one their age will be watching it. It's a kids' show. Well...people channel surf. And Roger and his friends happened to be channel surfing at that moment and they noticed Doug.


Roger gets up and puts a tape in the vcr.

To Doug's credit, this is almost as bad as the diaper thing. Look at that stupid little hat.

Pete asks for Doug's name, then disregards it entirely by giving him the great nickname Hoss. Anyway, Doug does the whole thing, which is tedious to describe, so here's some pictures of it.

Fake horse throws him into some mud.

Then there's a quick shot of him chasing a pig, but I didn't bother to get a screenshot of it because it doesn't show him catch it or anything. Then he hog ties Flapjack.

The end. Cowpoke Pete mentions some prizes and says all Romper Roundup contestants get a free tape of their performance! SWEET!

After the show, Aunt Betty Anne takes Doug and Skeeter to the Honkerburger for dinner. Pretty nice of her, but she's going to have to do a lot more than that to make up for this shit.

And guess who walks in.

He kindly informs Doug of his plan to show the entire school the video tomorrow. Then he exits the building after saying one last thing.

"If I were you, I'd bring a saddle to school tomorrow...cause the kids are gonna be riding you all day!"
Doug takes this literally. STEP RIGHT UP!

Best Roger alter-ego ever.

Damn right that's what he meant, Doug! DAMN RIGHT! There's no other possible meaning to it.
After this fantasy, Aunt Betty Anne sits down and asks if she's ever met Roger because he looks familiar. Oh well...

At school the next day, Roger is gathering people outside of the A/V room for the big premier. Doug walks up and begs him not to show it, and then Aunt Betty Anne runs up (violating school policy that visitors must sign in) and says she's glad Roger is there too!

You see, Roger was on the show last year and never got his copy of the tape! She brought it.

Roger says his stupid grandma made him do it because she still thinks he's two. What is with these stupid relatives?

After school, Doug and Roger get together for a special viewing of their tapes.

Stinky eventually walks up and fights with Porkchop over the bowl of popcorn that Doug clearly made just for Porkchop. Stupid cat. Oh, and the videos?

This is probably safe.

Wait...shouldn't there be 3 tapes? Cowboy Roger's official tape, the tape Roger recorded of Hoss' performance, and the official one Hoss got from the show? Who is holding back here?

So, Aunt Betty Anne should probably be fired right? She works on Kiddie Corral. They don't say what her job is, but she clearly doesn't understand kids at all. If it's her job to find the kid contestants, why does she let kids that are twice the standard audience age go on? Did she take a bribe from Roger's grandmother? This is a crazy old lonely woman that can't tell the difference between 5 year olds and 11 year olds. Why doesn't anyone tell her this? I can understand her family not wanting to hurt her feelings, but surely Cowpoke Pete said something about this to her later.

At least she's just a little proof that Doug's brand of crazy is genetic. At least some of his crazy is genetic.