Episode 12, Part 2; Doug Out in Left Field

As with nearly every episode, Doug begins with a fantasy. This type of storytelling gets kind of old with Doug, since we know by now that things always work out for him, but his opening fantasy is almost always about how poorly he thinks about his abilities or current situation. As these stories are written down in Doug's journal after the fact, it's really depressing that Doug always begins so negatively. He knows it worked out in the end. Why is he still dwelling on his anxiety and low self esteem so much? Anyway, this episode starts with a baseball fantasy. Patti Mayonnaise is up to bat in the big game.

The announcer says she has a perfect batting average, and she hits a triple...in spite of the fact that she's standing on the plate. What the fuck, Doug? Can't you imagine she's at least standing in the right spot? You did it for yourself...

Doug gets two strikes and is waiting for the third pitch when the fantasy ends. The only exposition Doug gives us is, "the only reason I'm in this game is to help Patti. Why couldn't she need help with something I'm good at?"
So at school, the baseball coach makes an announcement for tryouts. Doug thinks it sounds awful, but Skeeter really wants to try. Doug refuses.

Moments later...

First in line. There's something off about that person behind Skeeter. It's probably just the fact that it's Patti and no one seems to notice because she's acting like Terry Griffith.
And naturally, Patti does great in the try outs. She's a great catcher and can throw really hard. After seeing her hit a home run, Coach Spitz asks her name and offers her a spot on the team.

A GIRL!? This is a man's sport. You can't play. She joins the other rejects on the bleachers.

Doug compliments her playing and says she could beat the team by herself. This gives her the idea to make a team out of those losers she's sitting with. She immediately goes over to Coach Spitz and challenges his team to a game of softball. She also immediately came up with a name for the team: Patti's Pulverizers. So self centered.

The coach accepts her challenge because he's a man dammit. Men accept challenges.
Patti tells everyone to meet at the field the next day for their first practice. She says, "I'm counting on you," and makes the mistake of pointing right at Doug when she says it.

It is entirely possible that Doug just wet his pants.
At practice, Patti wants to see Doug bat, and this takes us back to the fantasy at the beginning.

Doug strikes out and is immediately hounded by a reporter.

This is such an odd recurring theme to Doug's fantasies. What is wrong with this country when an 11 year old boy can't go a single day without worrying about a reporter hounding him about something embarrassing?
Anyway, the result of Doug's real attempt at batting?

Of course. He missed the ball and nearly killed this nameless outfielder by letting the bat slip out of his hands.
On the way home from the miserable practice, Mr. Swirly stops Doug and Patti to sell them some ice cream. The stupid uniform he's wearing gives Doug and Patti a brilliant idea. It's the one thing the Pulverizers are missing. Uniforms.

In Doug's mind, they'll be playing to a huge crowd instead of nobody.
On game day, Doug makes Porkchop do the impossible once again.

HOW?
Turns out they managed to get uniforms for everyone. And by uniforms, I mean bumper stickers they can stick to their shirts. Doug had one made special for Patti.

His first idea, a sticker that said "SWEETPUSSY," was rejected because it was too long.
Not much of the actual game is shown. The first thing we see is Beebe hit a home run (somehow) to score the Pulverizers' first run.

Then we see a fluke catch by Skeeter.

Skeeter is bored and tired? Go home if you don't want to play Skeeter. Also, why are you still wearing football shoulder pads?
After that, we get Doug's final attempt at batting. Through another fluke, Patti discovers that Doug is left handed and should be batting the other way. Doug is retarded.

See those hearts rising out of Doug's imagination? That's called reading too much into innocent nothing and I blame Doug Funnie for every instance I've done such a thing. Fucker.
Doug gets a hit and an RBI. Looking at the score, Doug realizes that if Patti hits a home run, they'll win. It's the standard sports tv/movie ending. There's two outs. Tying run is on base. Better not fuck it up. She hits the ball...

Out. Game over. Honkers barely win. Coach Spitz congratulates them and offers Patti a spot on the team. She declines saying she's already on a team. And it's a team named after her, so...

Doug's groping. She challenges Coach Spitz to another game, same time next week, and the Pulverizers are all happy to be losers because they're barely losers.
At home, Doug practices his swing and knocks out his lamp...

Because he is fucking retarded. How could he not see that coming?
So what have we learned?
-People can make up for a total lack of talent and skill through entirely superficial means.
-A series of flukes can apparently turn a bunch of idiots into a respectable baseball team, though a real team is very likely going to try to steal the only player worth a shit at the first opportunity.
-Patti is never going to date Doug. She only shows interest in him here as a means to prove her own worth to a team of sexists. Doug's motivation throughout the episode is to make her happy (as always). Her motivation is to make the team with her name attached to it not look like a bunch of shitheads. She doesn't care about or acknowledge Doug's feelings for her, but the slightest interaction with him is more fuel to his fire.
-Doug is just fucking crazy. As a left handed person that was taught to bat and throw right handed, I figured out left handed was the right way to go several years before I turned 11. Even if Doug had no interest in ever playing baseball, Doug would still naturally try to bat left handed because it feels natural. I know it. You know it. We all know it. Except Doug. His remarks on the subject? "Patti helped me figure out that being left handed can come in handy." Really? That's not it at all. She helped you figure out that pretending to be right handed when you're clearly left handed is fucking retarded.
-This guy...

...really fucking loves CHEEZ

Episode 12, Part 1; Doug is Quailman

This is Planet Bob. Home to Earth's most powerful hero.

That's right, we're starting with a Quailman fantasy.

Yes, another Quailman episode. I don't think I need to recap Doug's exaggerations regarding the powers a quail possesses. But there is something quite special about this episode. This episode is nothing but a comic that Doug wrote about Quailman. I considered skipping it, but there's some good points to be made.

Here's one of the few shots of reality Doug gives us in this episode. Look at him there...imagining he's important, and powerful, and not a psychotic loser whose best friend is a slightly anthropomorphic dog.
The comic begins in Quailman's Thicket of Solitude.

Oh, he's like Superman, but he's from a lame planet named Bob and he has the powers of a bird known to be easily killed. Yeah. Anyway, on Quailman's television, the news interrupts whatever bullshit he was watching to bring some breaking news...

Apparently, Dr. Klotzenstein, aka...

...aka...

...aka...

...has disguised himself as grade school bully, Roger Klotz.

Not a very good disguise, is it? They found him out immediately and it's on the news. Maybe next time dye your hair and don't put Klotz in your fake name. In spite of this being on the news, no one at school realizes it and Roger begins his terrible plot with a terrible joke.
He told Patti he wanted her to meet his aunt. She said, "your aunt's here today?" Then he threw a frog at her, laughed, and said, "yeah, my Aunt Phibian!" Then he told her to relax because it's a science joke. Dumb bitch needs to learn to appreciate.
Then the science teacher comes in and announces that they're going to have a pop quiz. Everyone is upset about this except Roger because he has a brain drain headband thing, and he just steals the answers from the heads of other students.


The teacher manages not to notice. He's very excited that Roger is finally getting correct answers, but he somehow just doesn't see the bright pink rays come out of the head-wear that is almost certainly banned under the school's dress code. Excited that Roger got three questions right, the teacher runs out of the room to get assistant principal Bone. That's when Roger leaps at the opportunity to take over the class entirely.

What a genius plan. Steal the minds of a bunch of 11 and 12 year-olds. They know everything. Patti, weary from having so much of her knowledge stolen by magic, stumbles to the window and gives the Quail Call!

Oh great, Quail Lab? Now he's part Batman; the retarded part that needs to label everything in his secret hideout. Quailman hears the call and flies to the school with Quaildog, who I must say is even more ridiculous than Quailman. He lacks the powers of the quail, and has only the powers of a dog. But calling him Dogdog would just be stupid...
The presence of Quailman outside the window causes Roger to reveal himself as Dr. Klotzenstein. This is unclear. Quailman doesn't do anything to break through the disguise. Roger sees him, says, "QUAILMAN?" and then uncomfortably transforms like this...

And then Quailman flies in through the window to start the fight...

That's right. He just flew through a window without getting cut. The powers of the quail! What's that? Why didn't he go through the open window right next to the one he shattered? Because he's fucking Quailman, that's why! NOT ALL BIRDS DIE WHEN THEY FLY INTO WINDOWS!
Quailman fights off Dr. Klotzenstein's brain drain with his Quail-eye.

It's worth noting that quails cannot actually shoot lasers out of their eyes.
Out of nowhere (he really hasn't been seen this episode), Roger's cat Stinky helps the attack and is quickly dealt with by Quaildog.

For some reason I can't explain, there's this shot of the entire class mesmerized by what's going on.

Along with Roger, this was literally all the students in the class. Bluffington's teacher:student ratio is amazing. Anyway, Stinky's attack weakens Quailman enough for him to be hit by the brain drain, so he has to hide under the teacher's desk.

Dr. Klotzenstein taunts him and tells him to surrender. Quailman complies. He stands up and admits defeat. But just when Dr. Klotzenstein turns on the brain drain, he whips out Aunt Phibian.

Take that, shithead!
His plan works!

"I used my superior, quail-like ways to defeat your evil scheme."
Really? It seems your superior, quail-like ways failed, and you merely used ordinary trickery. I mean, realistically, anyone could have done that.
Quailman does the Quail Call to magically restore everyone's brains.

The teacher and Mr. Bone barge in, see the mess, see Dr. Klotzenstein eating more flies, and demand an explanation. Quailman grabs the evil villain and his evil cat and fly away. The next day there is a celebration!

Look at that turnout. Even Roger showed up...
And what is Quailman's prize?

Well isn't that useless. He doesn't go to school as Quailman. He goes as Doug, if he goes at all. That's unclear. Why wasn't he at school when shit went down? And anyway, Quailman shouldn't be a superhero that does good for the rewards.

And that's it. Doug takes Porkchop to get some ice cream.
So what do we have here? First, clearly we have the inspiration for Jim Carrey's The Riddler. Green guy with bad disguises and terrible names steals people's minds to become smart and powerful but foiled by a stupid trick involving an animal, and he is left uncontrollably mindless.
Second, we have Doug's fantasy about what he wishes he could do to Roger...right now. If Roger keeps up the bullying, Doug's fantasies are probably going to become more violent and may end up becoming a reality at some point.
Third, I want to see Baron von Klotz in action.
Finally, Doug's ideas of villainy are fucking amazing. The evil scientist who has a machine that allows him to steal knowledge directly from a person's brain would begin with 11 year olds. Clearly they have more knowledge than him, and who knows...maybe now that he knows everything 11 year olds know, he might be able to make a machine that can come up with better plans for taking over the world and defeating a man who claims the powers of a quail. A shotgun would be a great place to start.