Episode 15, Part 1: Doug's Got No Gift

This episode begins with Doug at the mall. He's shopping for a gift for Patti's birthday, so you know this is going to be hilariously pathetic. At the official beetball store, he spots the perfect gift.

It's an official multi-ultra-maxi-pro-tournament beetball. Doug checks his money and makes sure he has enough. Then Skeeter calls out to him from the arcade.

He tells Doug to come try some new amazing game. Doug makes a comment about having a little extra change and heads over to give the game a try.

It's a callback to the first episode! The game is ridiculous. It requires a helmet for no apparent reason.

And to prove that it doesn't need the helmet, they show plenty of the game-play.

You control the man and hop around the swamp trying to catch the neematoad and not be eaten by the neematoad. That's it. This needs a joystick and one button. Two buttons at most. I can only assume the helmet is designed to make you look retarded or brainwash you into spending all your money. But who needs that when you have Skeeter?

After the first game, Skeeter comments on how great Doug did and then makes a comment about making the high score list and how having your initials on the list means "video immortality." And cue fantasy...

Being on the list also doubles the length of your legs and the size of your feet. Why does Doug think this could happen? He just entered the arcade. There was no red carpet. If Doug met someone with a high score on a video game, do you think he would treat them like a celebrity at a premier? Why does he expect this will happen to him? He's crazy.

So with little effort at all, Skeeter convinces Doug to go for the high score. When Doug commits, Skeeter alerts everyone in the arcade and they crowd around. They've gotta see this!

After several failures, Porkchop has the only appropriate reaction to the current situation.

Oh, but wait! Finally, Doug bags the neematoad! Did he get a score high enough to make the list!?

Way to aim high, DF! #49! You're a celebrity now!

This is just too absurd. There's no fucking way anyone else in the arcade gave a shit about this pathetic accomplishment. If I was there, I'd immediately play that game twice and knock DF off the high score list.

Anyway, now it's time to buy Patti's birthday present...oh shit...

That's clearly a game token. That means he apparently had all of his money changed into game tokens. Even if he'd gotten the 49th highest score on his second try, he'd still be fucked because the game tokens are worthless outside of shitty arcades. Dumbass Doug.

In the next scene Doug is sitting on the sidewalk with Porkchop, being mopey about what a delusional shithead he is. This is when one of the best moments in Doug history happens. He asks Porkchop for money.

Seriously. Doug wrote this down in his journal, probably because he'll be able to look back on it in the future and no matter how pathetic his life is at that moment, at least he's not asking a dog for money. Oh, and as for Porkchop, yeah...he's got money. He wants to spend it on ice cream, but he offers it to Doug anyway.

Why does Porkchop have money? Doug doesn't accept the coin because he says he can't take money from his dog. Also, Porkchop only has enough for ice cream. Doug wouldn't be able to buy Patti shit with that.

The Dinks walk up and offer some advice. Mr. Dink's advice is great: "Next time, don't let it happen again." Mrs. Dink's advice is helpful: "Why don't you make a present for Patti? You could use Bud's tools and build something."

So this is obviously where we're going from here. In Mr. Dink's workshop, we get a look at all of the expensive tools and how to guides he's bought but never used. Doug grabs a random book and opens it up looking for something to build. The first page he opens to is for a glider, which you know is just going to lead to a great fantasy.

This seems feasible.

After that ridiculous fantasy, Doug sets out to make something. He realizes a plane is unrealistic but he's sure he can make something.

What could he be making?

Oh! He reveals it to Skeeter whose first reaction is an appropriate, "What is it?" Doug says, "can't you tell?"
Skeeter responds, "oh, yeah, yeah, neat. Can you play it?"

Doug finally tells him that it's a towel rack. A fucking towel rack. On the card, Doug put "think of me when you're drying off after a shower." Probably.

Anyway, it's party time!

Patti's getting double teamed by Chalky and some unnamed douchebag. I tried to make a gif of their dancing, but the screenshots all come out crappy because it's a panning shot. Just take my word for it. Chalky's dancing is nothing but crotch thrusts in Patti's direction. He's clearly called dibs. She likes it.

After Roger arrives, puts his gift on the gift table and mocks Doug's for looking weird, Chalky tells Patti she should open her gifts since everyone is finally there. This throws Doug into a weird panic that confuses his fantasies.

Yeah, they're flying on the towel rack. And how does that turn out?

Death.

Doug decides to sneak up and try to remove his gift so no one laughs at his pathetic attempt at carpentry. Patti begins opening shit. First she got an official multi-ultra-maxi-pro-tournament beetball from Chalky. Kind of telling that she opened his gift first, no? Also, pretty awesome that Doug didn't get her that too. His would've looked unnecessary after that.

Next up, Skeeter's gift.

It's a multi-colored glow in the dark beetball. Great. And what did Beebe get her?

It's a formal beetball. Ok..what the fuck? "Thanks for all the beetballs everybody. You clearly only know one fucking thing about my personality." As Doug is about to grab his gift and hide it, Patti grabs it and rips it open.

She fucking loves it.

It's not that she's in desperate need of a towel rack or anything. She mistakes it for a beetball caddy. Seriously.

Now she's got somewhere to put all of those stupid novelty beetballs she'll never use, like Beebe's or Skeeter's, because they're fucking ridiculous.

Roger, while standing in front of the Baloney Hut, points out that it looks like a towel rack.

Outside, Patti secretly tells Doug that his gift was her favorite.

NOW! Now, Doug! Now is the time to make your move and actually ask her out.

He doesn't.

Finishing his journal at home that night, something unexplained happens. Porkchop is chasing something around the room. He smashes it with a hammer.

Apparently it's some sort of robotic neematoad. I'm going to assume this is Doug's way of coping with the realization that he blew his best chance at a real date with Patti. After Porkchop smashes the neematoad, Doug laughs and says, "you're supposed to bag the neematoad. Not cream it." This is perfect if you think of Doug as Porkchop, and Patti as the neematoad. That's right, Doug. You most certainly creamed it, instead of bagging it.

Episode 14, Part 2; Doug's Secret Song

This episode begins with Doug torturing Porkchop in the park. He's playing his banjo and singing a song about Patti.

"I worked on it for hours. It was my secret song. No one would ever hear it but me." Stupid Doug. He's playing it loudly in a public park. Naturally someone heard it. Luckily for Doug, it was Skeeter.

Skeeter tells him he really likes the song, and then promises to never tell anyone about it. Then they hear Mr. Dink singing and think he's dying, so they rush to help.

He's not dying. He's just watching a video he made of himself singing. Turns out this new, cheap place in the mall will record your song and make a video for you. Skeeter thinks Doug should do it. Mr. Dink says it will be Doug's big break. Doug fades off into a fantasy.

It's a rap video. A really terrible rap video. Actually, here it is. It's a pretty weird fantasy for a kid with a banjo strapped to his back to have. Doug's a pretty weird kid.

So of course they successfully talked Doug into going to the mall to record a song.

With a name like Video Goofball, you just know this is going to turn out well. Right away they see Mr. Bone looking around suspiciously and then slinking into one of the booths.

Mr. Bone managed to look like he didn't want to be seen, and totally not see two of his students that were making no effort at all to be unseen. The silhouette in that other booth looks familiar too...

Anyway, Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop pile into a booth and get ready.

There's no need for Porkchop and Skeeter to be in there. In fact, Doug would be better off if they weren't in there. Skeeter makes Doug nervous which causes hiccups which makes a bad song worse. Also, why is Porkchop wearing that bow-tie?

Waiting in line for his video, Doug complains that his hiccups finally went away and then says he's erasing the tape as soon as he gets home.

Oh, and Patti is there. She recorded a video too. The lady at the counter calls for Doug, Patti and Mr. Bone. Patti mentions that she's going to Beebe's "Up All Night" Party where she's going to show her video, and grabs her video from the Video Goofball professional. Doug grabs his video and leaves.

Mr. Bone sneaks out from behind a curtain, grabs his video and leaves.

At home, Skeeter demands they watch the video before Doug erases it.

Oh, shit. The people at Video Goofball mixed up the tapes, and if Doug has Patti's, then Patti must have Doug's! Oh. SHIT!

Of course they rush off the Beebe's hoping the girls haven't watched the video yet. This should be pretty simple. Knock on the door, ask to see Patti, tell her about the mix-up, switch tapes and leave. Only, the butler that answers the door is a fucking dick. He says "no boys allowed" and slams the door. They just asked to speak to Patti for a minute, not join the party and masturbate on the girls while they were asleep (although that is almost certainly what they would've done, being as crazy and fucked up as Doug and Skeeter are). So Doug has a terrific fantasy where he imagines the girls watch his tape.

Nothing weird about that. They will definitely be laughing at you. Oh wait...

The Doug on the tv comes to life and asks them to stop watching, then reaches through the screen and tries to change the channel. Nothing works. The girls laugh.

After the fantasy, Porkchop has an idea. He'll sneak in and switch the tapes.

There's no way this idea won't work.

Inside, Porkchop is unnecessarily sneaky and retarded. At one point, he sneaks under a rug to get to the other side of an empty hallway. In the room with the girls, he manages to go unseen until he knocks over a stack of vhs tapes. The girls scream. Doug hears this and assumes the worst. And we get another fantasy.

That's right.

They're going to torture Porkchop until he tells them who sent him! This is fucking retarded, Doug. Everyone knows Porkchop is your dog. If anyone trained your dog to sneak into houses it's you. They wouldn't need to torture him. Anyway, Doug and Skeeter climb the side of the house to look in the window and see that reality is actually more bizarre than Doug's torture fantasy. (maybe not...)

Oh, of course. Where did that costume come from? Did Porkchop pack it in his backpack or did the girls have it? Why aren't they concerned that this apparent runaway dog just wandered into the house. After Porkchop does his limbo thing, the girls decide to watch Patti's video. Patti puts it in the vcr, presses play, and we are given this back and forth for a few seconds.

Porkchop makes no attempt to get Patti's real tape out. He could've solved this problem easily, assuming he's as anthropomorphic as Doug says he is. Finally, Beebe grabs Porkchop and the video begins.

Patti grabbed Mr. Bone's video. Doug is safe. But then that means Mr. Bone has Doug's video...

He is embarrassed in front of his yodeling club.

And so what do we have here? Never trust a public park to keep your secret. Never trust a place called Video Goofball. Never trust your dog to commit breaking and entering because he's just going to end up doing the limbo to entertain a bunch of underage girls. Doug is getting worse about his lies regarding Porkchop. I can't believe that Doug sent Porkchop into the house, who then did the limbo with the girls and fought with Patti over the vcr. This part of the story is bullshit made up after the fact. Doug might have actually gone to Beebe's house to try to switch the tapes, but after being turned away by the butler, he gave up. Later, at school, the girls told everyone about Mr. Bone's tape and Doug came to the conclusion that Mr. Bone had his tape. Doug's fucking crazy, so he wrote the story in his journal this way, and we're just supposed to believe it.

What happened to that awful rap video Doug was going to make? Why did Doug think he had to wait until he got home to erase the tape? We're talking about vhs here. Take a magnet to it. Pull the tape off the spools and tear it up. Leave it in the sun for several minutes. I feel like even if Doug had gotten the right tape, he'd have fucked up destroying it somehow. He probably would've just thrown it in the trash, and Roger, being the creepy, vitamin-deficient shithead that he is, would've found it on his weekly Funnie Rummage.

Episode 14, Part 1; Doug Takes the Case

This episode is about Beebe's expensive radio.

The radio was stolen. Doug takes this opportunity to reveal his weird private detective alter ego, The Chameleon.

Here we get a good fantasy intro featuring The Chameleon's talents for disguise. Such as baby...

Don't worry that woman is just The Chameleon's unnamed partner in disguise.

And here they are posing as statues, about to give chase to an art thief.

It is worth noting that in all of these fantasies about chasing criminals using amazing disguises, the criminal is always the same. It is always Roger Klotz with a ski mask on. Always.

The next day at school, we meet Beebe's father and he is furious about the stolen radio. He scoffs at the price of the radio, and mentions he can buy plenty more if he wanted to. He's just mad because it's the principle of the matter. People should not be stealing from his rich, bratty daughter.

So Assistant Principal Bone steps in and says that if the radio is not returned by the end of the day, everyone in class will have to stay after school for detention.

Everyone groans. Patti turns to Doug and says she has beetball practice and there's no way she can miss it. And here's Doug entire motivation for the rest of the day. This quickly activates fantasy mode where Doug has to rescue Patti.

Turns to this...

And naturally, Doug already has a suspect. Of course, it's Roger Klotz. Fantasy time.

A masked kid with green skin opens his locker and pulls out the radio. Quickly The Chameleon reveals his disguise and the chase begins.

This is what is known as a Chief Quimby level disguise. Pointless and ultimately hindering. That doesn't stop The Chameleon from catching and unmasking the thief. Big surprise, it's...

The fantasy fades out to reveal that Roger is laughing at the other students and welcoming them all to detention, which he already had for other reasons apparently.

During what must be recess, Doug consults Skeeter about his obsession with Roger.

Skeeter looks rather comfortable. He informs Doug that it couldn't have been Roger because Roger was in the principal's office when the radio was stolen. Good detective work, Doug.

Next he talks to Beebe about a few things. First she shrugs off the detention thing, which gives us this wonderful vision Doug has of the future...

Seeing that only makes him want to find the thief that much more. He asks Beebe who sits behind her in class. She says Boomer sits there. Time to investigate! I mean...follow. Doug follows Boomer to his locker where Boomer quickly calls him out on his stupid disguise.

Did you really think Boomer would believe the school had purchased one of those fancy new coat racks that follows you around, Doug? Turns out, Boomer just needs help carrying his books. Doug's certainty in Boomer's guilt at this point gives us this wonderful line of narration; "He's either very crafty, or very stupid." How about just innocent? He could just be innocent...

More good detective work. Any good detective will tell you unwarranted suspicion will eventually get you what you need. While Boomer is asking for help, Doug spots a piece of the radio on the floor near a locker. He asks Boomer if he knows whose locker it is but Boomer doesn't know. He knows the locker next to it is Skeeter's, and Skeeter is in the metal shop. Is Doug at all helpful to Boomer, who just gave him help in his bullshit case?


Of course not.

And what does Doug find in the metal shop?

Oh shit, what the fuck, Skeeter? Doug closes the door before Skeeter sees Doug seeing him. Outside Doug has a fantasy about Skeeter taking a bus and running away, and while waiting for the bus, The Chameleon and Porkchop catch him with another clever disguise.

This is an advanced disguise above and beyond the work of Chief Quimby. Getting back to reality, Doug tries to confront Skeeter about the radio. He does that whole "I have a friend, it's not me, who did this thing" routine that doesn't really fit in this situation, but this is tv and those scenes always happen.

Before he can word things in a way that makes sense, the bell rings and Skeeter runs off to class.

Back in class, Ms. Wingo gives the thief one last chance to turn in the radio or else everyone has to stay for detention. She turns off the light so the thief can avoid being in trouble too. Doug, hearing that Skeeter isn't getting up or doing anything, decides to get the radio and turn it in, and that's when Roger turns the light back on.

Shit. As Doug is about to get chewed out, Beebe breaks down.

It fell out of her locker and broke. Skeeter was just trying to fix it for her. She told her dad it was stolen because he'd be furious at her for breaking it. Bitch. She was going to let her entire class get detention, and accuse one of them of being a thief, because she didn't want her dad to be mad at her. Bitch. Anyway, no detention for anybody (except Roger, for an unrelated matter). Patti doesn't miss her beetball practice, and Doug gets an unjustified sense of accomplishment.

Throughout this episode, Doug switched between his normal voice and his Chameleon voice. Mostly it was in the narration in his head, but there are a few times where he actually talked to other people in his private detective voice. Crazy.

He went through all this trouble of accusing two innocent people of theft, refusing to accuse someone he had reason to believe was the thief of theft, and then almost taking the blame for a crime he didn't commit...so that Patti wouldn't have to miss beetball practice. Guys will do some stupid shit for girls, and Doug is more than happy to prove that.

There's only one person who asked for and needed Doug's help, and that was Boomer. Doug, being the crazy asshole that he is, didn't help. He actually said that Boomer might be very stupid. Not cool.

Seriously...beetball practice.