Episode 12, Part 1; Doug is Quailman

This is Planet Bob. Home to Earth's most powerful hero.

That's right, we're starting with a Quailman fantasy.

Yes, another Quailman episode. I don't think I need to recap Doug's exaggerations regarding the powers a quail possesses. But there is something quite special about this episode. This episode is nothing but a comic that Doug wrote about Quailman. I considered skipping it, but there's some good points to be made.

Here's one of the few shots of reality Doug gives us in this episode. Look at him there...imagining he's important, and powerful, and not a psychotic loser whose best friend is a slightly anthropomorphic dog.
The comic begins in Quailman's Thicket of Solitude.

Oh, he's like Superman, but he's from a lame planet named Bob and he has the powers of a bird known to be easily killed. Yeah. Anyway, on Quailman's television, the news interrupts whatever bullshit he was watching to bring some breaking news...

Apparently, Dr. Klotzenstein, aka...

...aka...

...aka...

...has disguised himself as grade school bully, Roger Klotz.

Not a very good disguise, is it? They found him out immediately and it's on the news. Maybe next time dye your hair and don't put Klotz in your fake name. In spite of this being on the news, no one at school realizes it and Roger begins his terrible plot with a terrible joke.
He told Patti he wanted her to meet his aunt. She said, "your aunt's here today?" Then he threw a frog at her, laughed, and said, "yeah, my Aunt Phibian!" Then he told her to relax because it's a science joke. Dumb bitch needs to learn to appreciate.
Then the science teacher comes in and announces that they're going to have a pop quiz. Everyone is upset about this except Roger because he has a brain drain headband thing, and he just steals the answers from the heads of other students.


The teacher manages not to notice. He's very excited that Roger is finally getting correct answers, but he somehow just doesn't see the bright pink rays come out of the head-wear that is almost certainly banned under the school's dress code. Excited that Roger got three questions right, the teacher runs out of the room to get assistant principal Bone. That's when Roger leaps at the opportunity to take over the class entirely.

What a genius plan. Steal the minds of a bunch of 11 and 12 year-olds. They know everything. Patti, weary from having so much of her knowledge stolen by magic, stumbles to the window and gives the Quail Call!

Oh great, Quail Lab? Now he's part Batman; the retarded part that needs to label everything in his secret hideout. Quailman hears the call and flies to the school with Quaildog, who I must say is even more ridiculous than Quailman. He lacks the powers of the quail, and has only the powers of a dog. But calling him Dogdog would just be stupid...
The presence of Quailman outside the window causes Roger to reveal himself as Dr. Klotzenstein. This is unclear. Quailman doesn't do anything to break through the disguise. Roger sees him, says, "QUAILMAN?" and then uncomfortably transforms like this...

And then Quailman flies in through the window to start the fight...

That's right. He just flew through a window without getting cut. The powers of the quail! What's that? Why didn't he go through the open window right next to the one he shattered? Because he's fucking Quailman, that's why! NOT ALL BIRDS DIE WHEN THEY FLY INTO WINDOWS!
Quailman fights off Dr. Klotzenstein's brain drain with his Quail-eye.

It's worth noting that quails cannot actually shoot lasers out of their eyes.
Out of nowhere (he really hasn't been seen this episode), Roger's cat Stinky helps the attack and is quickly dealt with by Quaildog.

For some reason I can't explain, there's this shot of the entire class mesmerized by what's going on.

Along with Roger, this was literally all the students in the class. Bluffington's teacher:student ratio is amazing. Anyway, Stinky's attack weakens Quailman enough for him to be hit by the brain drain, so he has to hide under the teacher's desk.

Dr. Klotzenstein taunts him and tells him to surrender. Quailman complies. He stands up and admits defeat. But just when Dr. Klotzenstein turns on the brain drain, he whips out Aunt Phibian.

Take that, shithead!
His plan works!

"I used my superior, quail-like ways to defeat your evil scheme."
Really? It seems your superior, quail-like ways failed, and you merely used ordinary trickery. I mean, realistically, anyone could have done that.
Quailman does the Quail Call to magically restore everyone's brains.

The teacher and Mr. Bone barge in, see the mess, see Dr. Klotzenstein eating more flies, and demand an explanation. Quailman grabs the evil villain and his evil cat and fly away. The next day there is a celebration!

Look at that turnout. Even Roger showed up...
And what is Quailman's prize?

Well isn't that useless. He doesn't go to school as Quailman. He goes as Doug, if he goes at all. That's unclear. Why wasn't he at school when shit went down? And anyway, Quailman shouldn't be a superhero that does good for the rewards.

And that's it. Doug takes Porkchop to get some ice cream.
So what do we have here? First, clearly we have the inspiration for Jim Carrey's The Riddler. Green guy with bad disguises and terrible names steals people's minds to become smart and powerful but foiled by a stupid trick involving an animal, and he is left uncontrollably mindless.
Second, we have Doug's fantasy about what he wishes he could do to Roger...right now. If Roger keeps up the bullying, Doug's fantasies are probably going to become more violent and may end up becoming a reality at some point.
Third, I want to see Baron von Klotz in action.
Finally, Doug's ideas of villainy are fucking amazing. The evil scientist who has a machine that allows him to steal knowledge directly from a person's brain would begin with 11 year olds. Clearly they have more knowledge than him, and who knows...maybe now that he knows everything 11 year olds know, he might be able to make a machine that can come up with better plans for taking over the world and defeating a man who claims the powers of a quail. A shotgun would be a great place to start.

Episode 11, Part 2; Doug Loses Dale

"There I was. Doug Funnie. New recruit in the Foreign Legion; the last refuge for murderers, spies, and assassins. And my crime? All I did was lose my best friend's baby brother."

I love that in Doug's fantasy here at the beginning, the camel can hear his thoughts and is so disgusted he throws Doug and Porkchop off his back. Where did Doug get this idea about a Foreign Legion? What kind of name is that for a group of murderers, spies, assassins and people who lose baby brothers? Why is he on a camel in the desert anyway? All a part of Doug's crazy idea about what they do to people like him. What's this about losing you best friend's baby brother anyway?

Once Doug stops feeding us his crazy bullshit and starts telling his story, we see him meet up with Skeeter and Dale. Porkchop starts playing with Dale while Skeeter explains that they need a babysitter for the day. Their regular babysitter quit, or couldn't make it, or something and they were thinking Doug should babysit Dale.
This is simply the best proof that no one in Doug's life is aware of his severe, frequent delusions that prohibit him from a life of normal, rational decisions. Anyway, Dale starts playing with Doug and that's proof enough for Skeeter to know that Doug will do great.

But first Doug needs to learn a few things about babysitting, so he goes to various people for advice. First up is Judy.

Seems logical. She used to babysit Doug when he needed it. She has experience dealing with the worst sort of kid. She's also batshit crazy because her parents are also Phil and Theda Funnie. Her advice: "To understand a child, you have to become a child." She demonstrates...

This is Judy squirming and crying like an infant. You sure got it, Judy. Doug actually recognizes this advice as bullshit immediately and Judy gives him a mask he can use to make Dale laugh.

Doug's next stop is the Honkerburger, where he has gathered 4 friends to pick their brains about their babysitting experiences. First up is Beebe.

"Let them have whatever they want. That's what my babysitters did." After saying this she steals that girl's ice cream because, as a rich girl, buying her own goddamn ice cream is just out of the question or something. As that girl steals her ice cream back from Beebe, she gives her own advice to Doug. "Try coloring books and crayons, for starters." Thanks, whoever you are. No seriously, who are you? I've never seen you before. Do you have a name? Next up? Chalky.

"Food always works for me. The sweeter, the better. The kind their parents don't want their kids to have." What a dick. Parents, don't hire Chalky or your kid will never get to sleep after you get home, exhausted from that night of quiet dinner and cheap hotel fucking. As Chalky was speaking, Porkchop ate all of his ice cream through the bottom, which is why he has that guilty look on his face now that Chalky noticed it was all gone.
And finally, of all people Doug included in his babysitting research trip to the Honkerburger, we get Roger's advice: "A good lawyer. You're gonna need one after you mess up!" Then he laughs and laughs

Finally, that chubby girl took her eyes off the ice cream, and now she's licking her lips for Roger, with his sexy case rickets.
And so it comes time to babysit. The Valentines are off...

Doug's perception of their car is fucking crazy. Skeeter's mom sits in the middle while his dad is jammed in the front. There's no room for legs up there.
Immediately Dale begins to freak out.

Time to consult the advice of others.

Hallucinating that people are talking to you through clouds again, Doug? They haven't been gone for 5 minutes and you're already proving to us you shouldn't be left in charge of a small child.
The funny mask doesn't work...

Dale runs behind the tv and triggers another hallucination.

As Dale runs behind the tv, it comes on by itself (see also: Doug's crazy mind sees it come on) and a weird show interrupts nothing to bring breaking news regarding Operation Babysit.


Trip McSumack gives a brief useless report to round out Doug's fantasy; in short, Doug sucks at babysitting and coming up with fake reporter names.
Lets try some more hallucinatory referencing to the advice of others.

Right, just give him some of his favorite ice cream, Doug. How could that go wrong?

Well now that Dale is covered in ice cream, he'll need some clean clothes. Doug holds up several outfits and Dale doesn't want to try any of them.

Right, just let him pick his own damn clothes. There's no way that could go wrong...

Which somehow ends up like this...

How did you end up with a child's underwear on your head, Doug? If anyone saw this...

"Right, random girl who told me to start with crayons and coloring books. Now that all other advice has failed, I'll give your bullshit a try."

As Doug finishes coloring, or "colowing" as he accidentally put it, he proudly shows Porkchop, instead of Dale. In this scene he's basically talking to himself and pretending he's talking to Dale. He doesn't look at Dale at all. Then he notices the time and that means...!

UNCLE GRUNTY has come on! Uncle Grunty is the most molest-y sounding name ever. It's not clear if this is supposed to be a show Doug likes, or Dale likes. Doug and Porkchop are happy and Dale is indifferent, but it looks like children's show that an 11 year old would be too old for. But this is Doug we're talking about, and I'm guessing he's a huge fan of Uncle Grunty; second only to Uncle Happy's Old Clown Trunk. Before Doug can get into the show, or begin to pay attention to Dale, the phone rings. It's Mrs. Valentine. He gladly tells her he's doing fine and that Dale is in the living room alone, coloring.

I'm glad Porkchop immediately recognized this as a stupid thing to say. And now, for the first time since Doug brought out the crayons, he takes a look at Dale.

He's colored all over the walls. Don't let the picture of them both sitting at the coffee table coloring fool you. That's only what Doug assumed was happening. In reality, Dale had colored all over the fucking place. Doug freaks out and yells which caused Dale to run away, and that causes a return to old Trip McSumack.

And so while Doug was too worried about what a fictional reporter was going to say about him on a fictional show, Dale disappeared.

Time for the final piece of Honkerburger advice.


It's strange that the clouds laugh at him too. I just fucking love the look of anger followed by the look of defeat on Doug's face in those two pictures. And here again, instead of looking for Dale everywhere, Doug consults Trip McSumack, who has suddenly joined the crazy Foreign Legion fantasy from the beginning.

He asks Doug what happened.

"I'm sorry, but my lawyer has advised me not to answer questions at this time." Of course Porkchop is his lawyer in fantasy land.

Finally Doug comes to a conclusion: that instead of listening to everyone else's advice, he's going to do what he should've done from the beginning, which is listen to himself. How does that help him find Dale? He thinks about where he liked to hide from babysitters (Judy) when he was a kid. This is essentially the same idea that Judy started to give him before he brushed her off and settled on a mask from her costume trunk. Doug's merely worded it into a way that allows him to take credit for it. Anyway, Doug's favorite hiding spot was...

...so naturally that's where Dale must be. As he's going through the laundry, the Valentines have returned and are trying to get his attention.

He finally hears them and turns around. As he's about to say he lost Dale, guess who pops out of the basket.

TADAA!

And so there you have it. Mr. Valentine asks Doug to be their permanent babysitter and he says he'll think about it. If they only knew that all of Doug's babysitting problems stemmed from his frequent trips to fantasy land and a general lack of attention given to the child he's being paid to watch.
It's nice to know that Doug would hire Porkchop should he ever need a criminal defense lawyer. I love in his fantasy of exile in a barren desert, a watchdog show named "Operation Babysit" would still manage to catch up to question him. What's the point of running away and joining the Foreign Legion if a guy named Trip McSumack is just going to find you anyway, Doug? And the Foreign Legion...murderers, spies, and assassins. Well two of those are the same thing, aren't they? Why spies though? This is coming from a kid who sometimes fantasizes about being James Bond clone, Smash Adams. So sometimes he tries to be a spy, but lumps them together with murderers and assassins. And since losing a child is neither killing nor spying, why does Doug join the Foreign Legion? Seems like he could find a group of people that are guilty of child neglect in that crazy little brain of his.