Episode 9, Part 2; Doug Needs Money

This wonderful episode begins with Doug, Skeeter, and Porkchop practicing some softball. I find it a bit weird that they're apparently playing softball when the ball is baseball-sized and Skeeter is pitching overhand. But then, Doug's a weird kid. When he misses a pitch, he really misses.

It might help if he kept his eyes open...

Missing that first pitch makes him spin to the ground and see birds in typical cartoon fashion. Porkchop, somehow playing catcher here, throws the ball back to Skeeter for round two. Skeeter makes a comment about how cool it was that Doug missed and spun around, and asked if he could be taught such a cool move. Seriously. Why does Doug lie to his journal like this?
Doug miraculously hits Skeeter's second pitch.

Look at it go. That's probably going to go into the neighbor's yard...

Oh shit. It's headed right at Mr. Dink's custom, special order grill that's made to look like his face! OH NO!

Smashed. Mr. Dink wasn't home at the time, so he didn't know who smashed his prized possession. Doug imagines what will happen when he tells Dink that he smashed his grill (on accident).

Look at him. Who could get mad at that? It was an accident, and he clearly feels terrible about it.

FUCK YOU, DOUG! I'M GOING TO TRANSFORM INTO A GREEN WEREWOLF MONSTER BECAUSE I'M SO PISSED YOU BROKE MY GRILL! This is a fantasy Doug has about a man he just saw weeping over a broken grill. This also seems to be a genuine concern of Doug's. I mean...what if Mr. Dink actually turns into a monster once he finds out the truth? OMG, Doug, you better not tell him you did it!
So, fearing Big Green Dink, Doug, Porkchop, and Skeeter decide to go into business to buy a new grill for Mr. Dink, who now has no grill for his big annual barbecue party. Starting a business means fantasy time for Doug.

Right, a car wash. This fantasy goes on and they get interviewed for tv because they own the most successful car wash of all time. They use this tv news interview as an opportunity to unveil the new wing of their business.

That's right; ship and airplane wash! Interesting. So many things wrong with this fantasy.
While they're waiting to wash their first car, Mr. Dink and his wife stop by on a tandem bike and encourage them in their business and remind them that he is still way too upset about his fucking grill. Then they finally have a customer. It was their only customer as car washers. It was Dale.

And what does an idiot child pay for his car wash with? You're probably thinking he paid them handsomely with gold doubloons, right?

Wrong. Those are Poopsi bottle caps, bitch. Fucking POOPSI! Pepsi's horrible knock off sells fantastically in Bluffington, where a name like Poopsi isn't a deterrent.
So they made 4 bottle caps washing cars and gave up. Fortunately Skeeter has a better idea. They'll rake leaves! Doug can see it now...

Yeah, that's how it's going to be. Easy as shit. You'll literally be raking in the money. This fades to them raking up a big ass pile of leaves and being exhausted. Skeeter's dad comes outside to pay them (why are the Valentines the only ones that will hire these idiots?) when Dale runs and jumps into the leaves, destroying the pile. Mr. Valentine refuses to pay them now. This is not how businesses work, sir. Mr. Dink drives up and asks how business is going, and again reminds them of how emotionally attached he was to a fucking grill.
So still, they're only up 4 bottle caps, and now they've given up on raking leaves. There's this weird moment here where they're standing defeated on the sidewalk when Porkchop barks. Twice. Doug replies, "Porkchop's right. We can't let Mr. Dink down." Oh, is Porkchop right Doug? Is that what he said? It sounded like he just barked. You know, like a dog. But if you say that he said something about not letting Mr. Dink down, I'll take your word for it. Time for other odd jobs.

This isn't bad. Surely they made a few dollars walking Andy Warhol's dogs. For some reason Porkchop is marching in front without a leash. That simple fact turns this simple dog-walking scheme into a big mind fuck. It's still way better than Skeeter's odd job.

A balloon blowing service? I see Dale is a customer again. Doug may be a crazy asshole, but at least he's not fucking retarded. Have you learned nothing from today, Skeeter? Kids try to pay for shit with Poopsi bottle caps. You're 11 and have no money, but you're trying to make money. Do you think kids younger than you are likely to have more money than you, and therefore will gladly splurge on a fucking idiot that will blow up a balloon for them? Please think your shit through, Skeeter. This is almost as bad as when you wanted to be head astronaut on student government day.
They regroup at the Honker Burger to see how much money they've made. Turns out they've made $11.57. Terrible. Just terrible. Doug points out that this doesn't even cover expenses. They've actually lost $9.50 after they bought the sponge, car soap (which again, they only used on a small child...), rakes, and cardboard for their useless signs. They are just terrible businessmen, but then you have to consider that two of them are 11 year old boys, and one of them is a dog. Roger comes along just in time to overhear Doug say something about confessing to Mr. Dink.

He gladly points out that they'd be stupid to confess. Mr. Dink doesn't know they did it. Why bother? Roger's a jackass, as usual. Doug has another vision of what Mr. Dink will be like when they tell him.

Goddammit Doug, again? The nicest, most materialistic guy you know, a guy who literally cries every time he thinks about his smashed grill, is not going to turn into a raging monster when you tell him. They tell him...

Look. No monster. In fact, he starts crying because he realizes they've been working hard to try to pay him back. He's very touched that they were worried about his feelings so much. And immediately, he has a plan.

Doug, Skeeter, and Porkchop are going to work odd jobs for Mr. Dink all summer to pay him back for the grill, starting with the barbecue party. They borrowed the grill from Phil Funnie. Look at this...

What you don't see in that picture is that Doug flipped the burger onto the bun being held by Porkchop, who then puts the hamburger on the guy's plate. This is not acceptable. Porkchop's anthropomorphization is just getting ridiculous. In this episode he's worn a baseball glove, thrown a baseball, helped bathe a kid in car soap, raked leaves, lead a group of dogs as though it were a marching band, served food at a party, and said specific things to Doug through barks. This is surely a sign that Doug's grasp on reality is deteriorating.
At the party, Doug serves Patti a burger.

She says she likes her burgers rare with lettuce, pickles, and... "Mayonnaise," Doug asks. He gives her none of these things and she seems content with just having a chunk of undercooked hamburger on her plate. Perhaps it's a metaphor for their relationship at this point.
And so, my favorite extra in this episode is clearly the idiot who had no problem accepting a hamburger from the paws of a dog. I mean...look at this guy?

What the fuck is going on with this guy?

Episode 9, Part 1; Doug's Big Catch

And so we begin in the middle of a fishing fantasy.

Doug and Porkchop are helping Mr. Dink catch a huge fish that is dragging their boat wherever it feels like going. No fantasy is complete without ridiculous constumes.

Perfect. So what is this all about, Doug?
Well, it seems that Bluffington has a big annual Bass Off. Mr. Dink asked Doug to join him this year. At first Doug thought it sounded pretty boring, then Mr. Dink told him about Chester. Chester is the biggest, smartest fish ever and it happens to live in Lucky Duck Lake. 30 years ago, Chester stole Mr. Dink's Ranger Todd Buckaroo billfold. Every year since, Mr. Dink has been participating in the Bass Off to catch the fish to get revenge. He even drew a picture of the damned fish.

Doug is mildly intrigued. To secure Doug's interest, Mr. Dink says that this is no longer just fishing, it is fish warfare, and he points out all the super high tech equipment he's bought to use this year. Time for another fantasy.

Mr. Dink said nothing about a submarine.

And if he did say something about a submarine, he certainly wouldn't have made you captain. It's always about you, isn't it? In this fantasy, Mr. Dink is navigator, Skeeter is an ensign, and Porkchop is mopping the floor.

I just love that Doug's fantasy is so detailed that he knows the floor of his mind-sub is dirty and must be mopped. Clearly the most important part of fish warfare is keeping the floor clean. If the enemy fish is captured, we don't want him to think we're slobs. GET TO WORK, MOP DOG!
Obviously, the drawing of Chester and his poor interpretation of the made up term "fish warfare" convince Doug he has to help Mr. Dink. The next day, while Mr. Dink is loading up the boat, Doug goes to get some hot dogs. This is when he runs into Roger and his goons.

They start talking about crazy old Dink and Chester, and wonder what sucker Mr. Dink got to go fishing with him this year. Doug slinks away and makes his way back to the boat trying not to be seen by those obnoxious guys he hates anyway. Of course, Mr. Dink notices this change in attitude from Doug and asks if those boys were making fun of him. He gives Doug an out and says he doesn't have to go fishing if he doesn't want to. This causes Doug to think that maybe Mr. Dink really is crazy, and this causes a short, pointless vision.

So suddenly, you think he's crazy and that must mean he'll try fishing out of a barrel instead of the fucking boat he's actually sitting in? What the fuck, Doug?
Again, Doug is convinced by his fantasy and decides to join out of pity. It's not for the fact that he would have fun anyway fishing with crazy ass Mr. Dink. No, it's simple pity. Porkchop and Doug load up and they shove off.
Then Mr. Dink yells back to his wife to get her to throw him the keys. WHAT!? Loading all that equipment must've made it hard to remember the keys. She throws them, he catches, and the added weight of the keys makes the boat sink. Fishing trip over. I don't believe this Doug. There is simply no way that the slightest increase in weight caused by the keys sank the boat. What really happened, Doug?
Sitting on the dock drying off, Mr. Dink tells Doug that when he was Doug's age, he only had a safety pin and some string tied to a stick. Doug asks, "Can you really catch a fish that way?" "No. In fact, I don't think I ever really did that. I think I just saw it on tv and got mixed up." Doug and Mr. Dink are soul mates. Defeated, Mr. Dink gives up fishing forever and leaves with his wife. Doug doesn't like seeing him so down, so he gets an idea.

That's a safety pin from his pocket, one of his shoe laces, and the gum from his mouth. GENIUS! He runs to show Mr. Dink his new fishing pole!

Too late though. Mr. Dink has already given up forever. He's moved on to cotton candy. Cotton candy and soda. Doug's still not ready to give up because he's crazier than Mr. Dink, and stupid enough to believe bubble gum will be good bait, and a safety pin will be a sufficient hook. So he goes back to the dock to fish from there.

He quickly gets a bite and sees the fish. It matches the description of Chester! It's fantasy time again! This time Doug is being interviewed for tv regarding his legendary catch.

We get a glimpse of what Doug intends to do with the fish he catches.

"Hi, I'm Doug Funnie. I think people go fishing in order to catch new pets they have to keep in their tub. It never occurred to me that people either catch and release, or cook the fish they catch because I'm fucking stupid."
For some reason, his fantasy goes on to include an interview with Mr. Dink, who is introduced as the guy who gave up too soon.

Why would you even participate in this interview, you big stupid quitter? Are we going to interview everyone else who didn't catch the big ass fish too? Get the fuck out of here.
So again, on the basis of his absurd fantasy, Doug takes action. He doesn't want to be the one to bring Chester in. It has to be Mr. Dink. Doug calls to him, saying his line is snagged on something. He comes over to help, remarking that it's probably snagged on his boat. So he takes over and is almost pulled in by the fish. Porkchop and Doug help.

Well...Doug helps. I'm not sure you could say that what Porkchop is doing is helping in any way. Probably just ruining Doug's stupid vest. They pull in the fish and it is totally Chester. See!

There you have it. The 30+ year old, biggest and smartest fish ever. Fits in the palm of your hand. Triumph for Dink!

This actually upsets him more than anything. He's finally won after 30 years. He starts crying. Then the fish starts crying...

What's he going to fish for now!? He also says, "Gosh Douglas, I won't have any reason to buy more equipment!" Mr. Dink is a fucking wackjob. Just 2 minutes ago he had given up fishing forever anyway. All that expensive equipment you bought over the years and this fish was caught by some fucking gum on a shoestring. You're crying about not being able to waste more money on useless equipment now? So Doug suggests he throw the fish back. OF COURSE!

Fishermen are weird, and that fish looks like it is enjoying this a little too much. As they're walking away, Porkchop finds something.

Oh shit, it's Mr. Dink's old wallet.

His student id is still in there! He had 3 dollars in it though, so the fish must've stolen that. Why a fish would steal 3 dollars, or Mr. Dink would be so upset about it, I don't know, but it it happened. Apparently.

Lets review what Doug learned about fishing. 1. Expensive equipment doesn't help you catch fish. 2. Boats can only hold so much weight. Once they go over, they sink immediately and there is no way to prevent that. 3. Chewing gum is an excellent fishing bait. 4. Fish have big silly lips and can cry. 5. If you aren't trying to catch one specific fish that you've named and imagined a rivalry exists between you and the fish, then what's the fucking point?
We end this episode with Porkchop dressed up like Chester. He has stolen Doug's wallet and is running from him.

Who made that costume for Porkchop and put it on him?
And so again, we are left to come to the conclusion that virtually none of this really happened. Maybe there was a Big Bass Off that Doug participated in with Mr. Dink. Maybe Mr. Dink fed Doug some bullshit story about a legendary fish named Chester (btw, why Chester?). And maybe they actually went fishing and caught a fish that Dink claimed was Chester. The rest should be considered bullshit Doug made up because he still thinks fishing is boring as fuck. Who knows if he actually believes he caught a legendary (though fairly average) fish with a stick, a shoestring, a safety pin and some gum? This episode serves only to prove how skewed Doug's perception of reality is at this point. His decision making process is broken.
And now for my favorite extras.
There's this quick shot when they arrive at the Big Bass Off where this boy and girl are at the I Scream shop buying ice cream (duh). They turn and walk away and he's only bought some for himself. She's got nothing. Maybe they were meant to share all that ice cream, but he's holding it away from her and makes no move indicating that he intends to share. Dude's a pimp.

Episode 8, Part 2; Doug on the Wild Side

This is a shot of a fantasy at the beginning where Doug imagines he has a normal grandmother. She brings them homemade pickled beets. She has a favorite rocking chair she sits in when she visits. She knits. This is what Doug wants. What Doug has is the only family member that actually tries to help him with some of his problems.

Grandma Opal shows up and ends Doug's "normal grandma" fantasy with her loud motorcycle. She's brought gifts for everyone. Judy gets boots.



She loves them. Phil and Theda get this shit...



They are nice about getting stupid shit they don't like. Doug gets a jacket he doesn't like.



He imagines wearing it. Guess who shows up?





Of course Beebe is a member of the fashion police, but Roger? The poor kid with rickets? Paranoid Doug is funny.

So anyway, Grandma Opal wants someone to give her a tour of the new town they live in. Doug excitedly volunteers and promises Phil they'll be back by 6:00 in time for supper. Grandma drags him and Porkchop out of the door.



It's like Doug and Porkchop weigh nothing, and don't want to go. They are hesitant about riding on the motorcycle at first. We quickly go into Doug's fantasy land.



Yeah, you'd be cool as hell on motorcycles. You'd wear bandannas and leather vests and skull t shirts and spiked bracelets, and you'd have a badass heart tattoo. Lets take a closer look at that sweet tat!



YEAH! Definitely wouldn't regret that. You either marry her and have her maiden name tattooed on your arm, or you don't marry her and spend the rest of your life telling everyone you fucking love a condiment to avoid having to tell how you never got to marry the love of your life and you spend each night seeing how much alcohol you can drink because of the constant reminder of your failure you have on your arm. Doug; you so crazy.

Of course, this fantasy is totally irrelevant anyway once you see that Doug and Porkchop are riding bitch sidecar.



Thank god she brought a helmet and goggles fit for a dog. At their first stop, some stereotypical bikers come along and frighten Doug. One of them pulls up next to Grandma Opal and asks if she wants to drag. What a fucking moron. Can't you see the sidecar with the kid and the dog in it? She declines and shows the guy pictures of her grandkids. This is particularly amazing since we only know of Doug and Judy, and Doug is sitting right there. Kind of pointless to show off pictures of him. Show him off instead. Surprisingly, the biker is impressed and shows off pictures of his kids, which we can assume live in different states with their mothers because he's a stereotype named Bubba (and we know this because of his shirt).



After this cool experience with that dirtbag, Grandma Opal says she's ready for lunch and pulls up to a sushi bar.



Porkchop is handling those chop sticks way better than can be expected of a dog. Grandma Opal tells Doug that sushi is fish. He asks, "like fried fish sticks?" "Well it's kinda like fish sticks, only it's raw fish." Uh oh, fantasy time...



The fish is begging for its life. Doug thinks raw means it's still alive. How cute/pathetic/retarded. Still, this thought is very terrifying for him.



I'd be terrified too, if my food was standing up like this, begging for its life and crying like a human. What is wrong with this kid?

Realizing that Doug is hesitant because it contains raw fish, she reminds him of the first time he ate ice cream. He loved it.



It made him stop crying like a little bitch. So, going on the basis that he liked ice cream the first time he tried it, he tries the sushi.



And loves it. He says he can't wait to tell Skeeter about it.

After sushi, they're driving around when they spy Mayonnaise outside of the library. Grandma Opal quickly picks up on the fact that Doug likes her and encourages him to go talk to her. Doug plays this out in two ways, of course.

"Hey Patti, you look good today!"



"Oh, are you trying to say I don't look good on every other day?"



She takes the compliment in the worst sort of way and Doug literally shrinks down to nothing. Or this interaction with Patti could turn out good...



WHAT!? Why are you suddenly Elvis!? This is how Doug sees this playing out? She's either going to be mad as hell or he's going to be Elvis. Fucking. Crazy.

So Doug says hi, tells her she looks nice, she thanks him, and that's it. No big deal. Doug and Grandma Opal make it home in time for dinner. Doug skips dessert to go try on his new jacket and do an Elvis impersonation.



Grandma Opal leaves and Doug makes his best attempt to adopt her catch phrase. "Life's a picnic, and I'm starving!"



Then Doug and Porkchop ride off into fantasy land.





What else is there to say about this episode? I guess it's good that Grandma Opal is trying to get Doug to stop being so introverted, but it won't last. It hardly works to begin with, and I think being pushed like that created the weird Elvis fantasy. Porkchop was crazy active in this. Of course, Doug is just lying to us about that. Porkchop didn't wear a dog helmet and goggles, he didn't master chopsticks, and he didn't ride a bike at the end like you see up there. Maybe Porkchop "did" all those things as a way for Doug to cope with having a pushy, edgy grandma instead of a normal one. If Porkchop can eat sushi without problems, so can Doug, right?