Episode 11, Part 1; Doug's Cookin'

This episode begins and ends with strange fantasies Doug has about cooking. Doug is at school in home economics class when someone's cooking gets out of control and attacks Patti!

That's okay, because Doug and Porkchop (who really shouldn't be there because he's a dog. Ms. Wingo isn't being paid to teach your dog how to cook...) grab some armor and weapons and attack!

They are overtaken and the fantasy ends.
Then the real story begins with Ms. Wingo announcing that they will have a bake off tomorrow. The girls are excited...

The boys boo and complain...

Ms. Wingo says she has decided on partners for everyone and announces them. First up is Skeeter and Beebe. While everyone is whooping at this, and Roger is asking if they're going to bake a wedding cake (is there some romantic background that Doug has so far failed to tell us about?), Doug goes into fantasy land. He reasons that the bake off might be exciting because he can make an excellent grilled cheese sandwich. So naturally, his fantasy is that he's the host of yet another tv show.

He puts cheese between bread and cooks it to much applause.

Right, Doug. Everyone would be impressed that you were able to competently make a sandwich. Patti would be impressed the most. While he is posing with his masterpiece, his fantasy is interrupted...

And fade to reality, where Ms. Wingo has apparently been trying to get his attention for a minute or so...

Does no one ever think there's something wrong with Doug when he acts out his daydreams? Everyone daydreamed at school, but if any of your classmates frequently did it to this extent, it would've been pointed out. Anyway, Doug has been paired up with Patti, who doesn't seem too thrilled about this...

Doug quickly asks why she doesn't want to be his partner and she says it isn't him. It's just that she can't cook. Aww. She says the one time she's tried cooking she filled her whole house with smoke. Then, to Doug's joy, she suggests they get together that night to practice at his house. This also causes him to fret about what they could cook together.

Here's a wonderful moment as Doug flips through cookbooks for a recipe. Doug has taught porkchop how to use a stool, hold a glass, and turn on and off the water so he can get his own damn water when he's thirsty. Oh, and those cookbooks Doug is looking through?

Really fucking obsessed with cheese sandwiches. After looking through all four books and finding nothing, he asks Porkchop what to do. Surprisingly, Porkchop has a suggestion...

Of course. Go ask Mr. Dink. He'll have some cookbooks. Well, he does, but he spends the entire time showing Doug his very expensive automatic cooking machine that prepares whatever he wants. It's called Julia and talks like Julia Child. He asks the machine for a milkshake to demonstrate how awesome it is, but Julia points out he just had one and spits out a carrot for him instead. Doug takes the carrot and a cookbook and gets an idea.

He'll make a carrot cake with Patti. And that's when she shows up, apparently as soon as she finished with basketball practice.

She quickly demonstrates to Doug how useless she is as a cook. She just doesn't pay attention to what she's doing. First she pours the milk...

Then she pours too much flour...

Then Doug tells her to separate the eggs...

And finally she turns on the mixer before sticking it into the bowl, causing everything to go everywhere.

Shit, if she'd stop fucking around with that dirty basketball, she might be able to pay enough attention to do one thing right. Then something happens I don't know how to explain. Porkchop turns on the tv.

For no apparent reason, Porkchop walks into the kitchen and turns on the tv. Why doesn't he watch a tv in another room? Why doesn't he stay in the kitchen after he turns it on? Is Porkchop Doug's Tyler Durden and is this his way of making a move on Marla Singer? Whatever. Appropriately enough the tv stays on this loop of a man spinning some pizza dough exactly how Patti is spinning the basketball.

This is too obvious for even Doug to miss...

Of course. Just make a pizza. It combines Doug's love of cheese and bread with Patti's basketball skills.

The next day they make what looks like a standard pepperoni pizza. Patti continues spinning it after it has sauce and cheese on it. I don't know why.
Meanwhile, Beebe is barking orders at Skeeter, who passes out once their cake is in the oven. Roger (who was teamed up with Ms. Wingo) had 6 bananas for a pudding recipe that called for 8, and so he just subtracted two from everything. It turned into a goopy mess that Roger was going to throw away.
Doug and Patti pull their pizza out of the oven and as they're carrying it back to their work station, Roger is running with his failed pudding when his hat falls down into his face. There's no explanation for why Roger is suddenly running with his pudding, or why he doesn't just stop when his hat falls and covers his eyes. Roger is just too retarded. Anyway, he bumps into Doug and Patti and their pizza goes flying...

Fucking Roger. How can you even run with that horrible case of rickets?

Oh, it seems to be okay...

Fucked. Doug and Patti pick it up and leave the room defeated. But not before they put it down next to Head Astronaut Skeeter Valentine.

He comes running after them saying everyone loves the pizza they made.

Ms. Wingo asks them how they came up with something so original and delicious and Doug says "I guess you could say it was an accident." Roger gets no credit for his dumbass contribution.
And then Doug finishes up his journal entry with a snack.

He's just dipped a banana in a can of pizza sauce. This is hardly the same thing as what they made in class. Where's the bread, cheese and pepperoni? Where's the rest of the ingredients to the aborted banana pudding?
Like I said, this episode also ends with a fantasy. This time, Porkchop has caused a massive cooking disaster.


The fantasy at the beginning sort of makes sense after you know what happens. Doug has to save Patti from her terrible cooking. Very simple. He imagines he's some sort of knight. It doesn't make sense that in that fantasy, he fails and is over run by the mysterious blob from the oven. That's not how shit turned out in reality. He saved her and they got A's. This fantasy at the end is just weird and unwarranted. Is it a warning to everyone? Don't let your dog cook? It isn't framed up as a fantasy either. Are we supposed to take it as reality and the Funnie's house was totally ruined when Doug let the dog cook? Why can't Doug just write his stories in his journal without making up all this bullshit about an anthropomorphic dog getting glasses of water, impersonating neighbors, turning on tvs, and cooking shit? The more this type of thing appears in Doug's journal, the more inclined I am to believe that he believes it actually happened.
As for his relationship with Patti here, well...why didn't he take the opportunity to finally ask her out? He just helped her with the one thing she sucks at, and she said the two of them made a great team, and he was just like, "Yeah, we are." Wasted opportunity.

Episode 10, Part 2; Doug's Doodle

This is Doug as Smash Adams. His sidekick is never given a name. James Bond doesn't have a sidekick dog, and this is a James Bond tribute dammit.

So what is Smash Adams doing? Breaking into the school of course.

Doors on the roof have locks that are easier to pick, plus there's the danger. Why is Doug fantasizing about breaking into the school though? It has something to do with his doodle. This doodle.

Doug drew this in class while Ms. Wingo was getting onto Boomer for reading a comic book and Roger for sleeping. She walked by Doug who hid the drawing in the stack of papers on his desk. Then she told the class to hand in their essays. Everyone groaned but Doug, who said this was his favorite part of the day. Not because he loves essays or homework, but because...

...Patti has to turn around and ask Doug to pass his paper up. Unfortunately, Patti's cleavage distracted Doug and he accidentally turned in the drawing with his essay. Time for Doug to panic.

Nope, it didn't magically teleport under your desk with your RAP Comix, lunch, and bunch of garbage. What the fuck, Doug? How is it this messy under your desk? When Ms. Wingo collects the stack of papers from his row, he can see part of the drawing and knows he's dead as soon as she sees it. Fantasy time.


Awwww. The family is having a nice dinner. Doug's mom asks if he had a nice day and he gives a shit answer, making her suspicious. She asks if something happened at school, then someone knocks on the door. Doug jumps up and says he'll get it. Who could it be?

Oh my god, how horrifying! Ms. Wingo has turned into Doug's drawing, and is crying about his opinion of her looks! Quick, slam the door. Maybe she'll go away!

And fade to reality...

Doug chews his pencil in half. Then we get this amazing shot as Doug thinks about his current situation. This is probably the best look at the world through Doug's eyes...






Probably the best shot in the series. It pans in front of, and over, and behind Doug while the background colors shift and eventually form reality. Doug is so crazy, everything else becomes a color blur while he dwells on some minor problem. Can we medicate this kid yet?
So then Ms. Wingo holds up a paper and starts to ask who did it. Doug immediately confesses and kind of cries about it.

Ms. Wingo responds, "Your paper is 'My First Pair of High Heels?' Your name's not on it." Beebe takes the credit for that one as the class laughs and Doug takes a deep breath. This is when he gets his first brilliant idea. The window!


This fantasy is almost exactly what happened. Doug opened the window and a huge gust of wind formed a tornado that picked up all the paper in the room, which allowed Doug to find the doodle and tear it up. And then the tornado shot the rest of the paper out of the room as Doug closed the window to applause from the class.
Just kidding. None of that shit happened. Doug didn't even make it to the window. He stepped on Roger's foot, who retaliated by stepping on Doug's foot who's scream alerted Ms. Wingo to the fact that Doug wasn't in his seat.

Then Doug sees a picture on the wall.

And his desk morphs into stocks as he imagines he's being called a doodling witch by what looks like pilgrim versions of his classmates.




This fades out to reveal Doug is still acting it out...

Then he notices that Boomer is reading a Smash Adams comic...

He imagines what Smash Adams would do in this situation, and his fantasy picks up where it left off at the beginning. Doug/Smash Adams and Porkchop/Porkchop crash through a window on the second floor of the school and fight off two janitors to retrieve the doodle. "Whoa, seemed like an awful lot of work" is exactly what Doug thought about that; Climbing and fighting to get a doodle she's about to see any second now. Surely Smash Adams has more tricks up his sleeve...

Ah, yes. Smash would just seduce the woman to distract her. Guess which Smash Adams scheme 11 year old Doug tries.

He compliments her hair, and sits on her desk knocking some of the papers to the floor revealing the doodle clear for Ms. Wingo to see. This is what happens when you try to seduce your elderly teacher, Doug. Should've gone for that option where you fought two janitors.
She wants to know who drew it. Everyone in class laughs, but Boomer laughs the loudest. She takes this as a sort of confession and tells him to stay after school. He tries to protest but she won't hear it. Relieved, Doug takes his seat and thinks about how great it is that he wasn't caught. Then he sees Boomer looking like his puppy just got diagnosed with cancer and wonders what will happen to him. He hopes he won't have to go see the assistant principal about his doodle. And here we get another Smash Adams/Doug Funnie freak out.

Mr. Bonefinger is being pretty tough with Boomer, which causes Smash Adams to run in there and say, "I'm the guy you want!" And fantasy fades out...
"What did you say, Doug?"
"I said...I did the drawing."
Once again Doug's fantasy carried over into reality and we're expected to see Doug as a normal kid.
After class, Ms. Wingo calls Doug up to her desk where she shows him her collection.

Chalky's dad drew one. Mr. Dink drew one. And if Doug would sign his, she could add it to the collection. Delighted, he signs it and starts to leave. Then she tells him he has to clean all the desks.

Now that everything's fine, Doug still manages to escape into fantasy, where the desk he's in morphs into a car and he crashes through a wall.


So yeah, this whole episode covers about 10 minutes of Doug's life and features more psychotic freak outs than most episodes. Most episodes also cover at least a day of Doug's life. This whole episode was basically real time from Doug turning in his paper to his confession. It is perhaps the best example of how crazy Doug really is. He gets so nervous he sometimes chews through pencils. He often sees the world as a swirl of abstract color. He often imagines himself as someone else. He fears his peers are going to crucify him for practically nothing. He thinks wind has magical powers. And he considers seducing an elderly woman (she taught his classmate's father, and the creepy old man that lives next door to him, for fuck's sake) preferable because the only other option he considered was totally ridiculous and implausible. To Doug, he either had to seduce her, or come back at night, after she had already seen the doodle (remember, she was grading them during class and was getting to it any minute) and break in to retrieve it, which meant he'd have to scale the wall, smash through a window, and fight 2 janitors. Both of these options are insane, but one of them is more insane. Why is Doug's thought process so broken? He at least has a good sense of right and wrong, but his perception of reality is so fucked it really is pretty troubling.