Episode 10, Part 1; Doug's Runaway Journal

This is an excellent episode, with several terrific psychotic fantasies by a panicked Doug. It starts with Porkchop dancing to an awful rap song about dogs. Doug asks him to use his headphones so he can write in his journal, but there's a problem; Doug can't find his journal. You may remember this episode as the one where Doug goes around yelling at people that it's not a diary; it's a journal. A quick look around the room gets Doug worried.

He starts looking elsewhere in the house, and asks Judy if she's seen it. He also threatens to beat her up if she reads it, so that's good. Violence will certainly be the answer you're looking for, Doug.

Judy tells him to sleep on it. Maybe in the morning he'll remember where he left it. For some reason, this calms him down and he goes to sleep. Psychotic nightmare time!

Oh no, his journal must be at the dump, on the conveyor belt that leads to the giant metal shoe garbage smasher! This will certainly be traumatic for the collection of papers bound in a red binder, aka Doug's Journal.

It is begging for its life. Pleading with Doug to not be destroyed and left in the dump. I've had some really strange dreams, but I don't think I've ever given a shit about the feelings of an inanimate object as much as Doug. Seriously, his nightmare is about how the journal must feel because he left it behind somewhere? Really, Doug? That's just fucking crazy. It completely overshadows your ridiculous idea of how landfills work. Moving on. Doug wakes up and states that going to sleep was a bad idea. Totally. It would've been so much better for your mental health if you'd stayed up all night worrying about who might be reading your journal, and whether your journal feels betrayed. He decides to retrace his steps from yesterday. He does this by literally walking backwards.

It's hard to tell from a still picture, so you'll have to trust me that he actually is walking backwards. He runs into Skeeter, fills him in and, and gets some more company.

Yes, they are still walking backwards. They make it to the Honker Burger, and instead of going in and looking around they just talk to the drive through box.

Skeeter has that shocked look about him because the speaker moves like a mouth in Doug's crazy world.

The people at the Honker Burger haven't found it. This is just bad investigating and really poorly retracing his steps. Yesterday, did he just order drive through (on foot), or did he go inside, sit down, have a meal, talk with people, and stay awhile? Sure, the woman on the speaker says no one found it, but maybe they haven't looked everywhere carefully yet? Best to go inside and investigate further, Doug. Just to be sure. No? Oh, you're just going to go to the library? Ok, fine. It could be there...

Dumbass Doug asks the librarian if anyone had found a book there yesterday and gets a smartass answer. No one found his journal. So then they head to school. It must be there, and the thought that someone at school might have read it freaks Doug out.

He walks in and sees everyone is laughing and having a good time. This is Doug's best friend, Paranoia, taking over. He assumes everyone has probably already read it and they are laughing at him. And so we get a quick glimpse of his paranoid thoughts.

Beebe mentions that she read Doug thought he got his first pimple but it turned out to be a mosquito bite.

Roger says he heard Doug is afraid of taking the garbage out after dark

Mr. Bone says Doug thinks Mr. Bone's ears wiggle when he gets mad. This will be added to Doug's PERMANENT RECORD!
Isn't this all just wonderful? These are actual facts about Doug that he's worried others will find out and reveal. AND he's worried the assistant principal is going to join in the humiliating gossip of a student. There's also the issue of skin color. I think these paranoid thoughts where 3 characters have darker skin colors and different hair colors than they usually do further proves that Doug sees skin and hair color in whatever fucked up way his mind interprets it. Right now, he's extremely paranoid and sees them a bit darker than usual.
Anyway, Ms. Wingo notices something is wrong with Doug and asks him what's up.

He tells her. Her first thought is that lots of great writers have been discovered this way. Finally Doug gets a positive fantasy from this whole thing. Sort of.



So maybe Doug will become a pretentious, critically acclaimed author because a publisher found the journal of an 11 year old psychopath. At his fantasy signing, some reporter says, "I noticed you write a lot about people you know!" His response proves he is a genius.
"Yes, I like to write about people I know. Gives it that "people-I-know" feeling."
How about that? Ms. Wingo goes away and takes Doug's positive thoughts with her. An encounter with Patti is next. What if she finds out what is written in the journal? It would be the worst thing ever if she found out that he actually really liked her. The horror! He fills her in on his current misery (pretty rare for him to let this many people know (especially Patti) why he's acting crazy this time, but this is the only time he thinks they can help) and she gets him back in bed with Negative Nancy. Basically the same old "what if someone read your most private thoughts" shit. She walks away and Doug spins like a newspaper...and also fades into the newspaper because it's fantasy time!


So self-centered.
Skeeter wakes him from this nightmare and he's standing frozen. Like this...

This is not good. He's getting much worse than usual. Time for the old standard.

Don't try to call that phone number. It's fake.
At home he tries writing on other forms of paper, to fill the void.

"Dear multi-colored loose leaf paper"

"Dear toilet paper, It's me, Doug." I can't believe this didn't work. It's all paper. I don't know why he would try to write on toilet paper (if multi-colored paper in a binder similar to your journal doesn't work, why would paper you wipe your ass with work?).

The phone rings and Judy answers it. Someone at the Honker Burger found his journal. Remember how he lazily investigated that place? Fucking dumbass. Turns out Roger found it. Oh shit. Fantasy time again...

Fuck yeah. Time for some hilarious stand-up comedy. Roger starts out with a great zinger, read straight from the journal.
"Today, I thought I grew hair under my arms, but it turned out to be just grass from mowing the yard!"
Whoa! Can he say that? Here comes another zinger!
"Dear Journal, don't tell anyone, but I ripped the seat out of my pants yesterday, and had to staple it back together!"
What a riot. Go on...
"Did you know Funnie is allergic to mustard, but absolutely loves mayonnaise? Patti Mayonnaise! Oooooh!"
How's the crowd liking this?

If Doug kept up with this fantasy, Roger would end up with his own HBO special. Again, I feel it's necessary to point out that this is presumably all true about Doug. I don't know how he could confuse grass for hair, but it must be in his journal if he's thinking Roger is going to read it straight from his journal. Unfortunately, it's time to find out how much Roger knows about Doug...

Turns out, Roger didn't read it. He couldn't. No, it's not because he's illiterate. Doug's handwriting is just unreadable.

Well thank god for that. I'll just take that glowing journal...

Whoa, Doug! Cool it with the visual hallucinations already.
So Doug got his journal back with no problems. All that freaking out for nothing. Again. Porkchop returns to his rap about dogs, with his headphones on. He break dances and gets all tangled up.

SHIT PORKCHOP CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO WRITE IN MY JOURNAL!

JEEZ!

Episode 9, Part 2; Doug Needs Money

This wonderful episode begins with Doug, Skeeter, and Porkchop practicing some softball. I find it a bit weird that they're apparently playing softball when the ball is baseball-sized and Skeeter is pitching overhand. But then, Doug's a weird kid. When he misses a pitch, he really misses.

It might help if he kept his eyes open...

Missing that first pitch makes him spin to the ground and see birds in typical cartoon fashion. Porkchop, somehow playing catcher here, throws the ball back to Skeeter for round two. Skeeter makes a comment about how cool it was that Doug missed and spun around, and asked if he could be taught such a cool move. Seriously. Why does Doug lie to his journal like this?
Doug miraculously hits Skeeter's second pitch.

Look at it go. That's probably going to go into the neighbor's yard...

Oh shit. It's headed right at Mr. Dink's custom, special order grill that's made to look like his face! OH NO!

Smashed. Mr. Dink wasn't home at the time, so he didn't know who smashed his prized possession. Doug imagines what will happen when he tells Dink that he smashed his grill (on accident).

Look at him. Who could get mad at that? It was an accident, and he clearly feels terrible about it.

FUCK YOU, DOUG! I'M GOING TO TRANSFORM INTO A GREEN WEREWOLF MONSTER BECAUSE I'M SO PISSED YOU BROKE MY GRILL! This is a fantasy Doug has about a man he just saw weeping over a broken grill. This also seems to be a genuine concern of Doug's. I mean...what if Mr. Dink actually turns into a monster once he finds out the truth? OMG, Doug, you better not tell him you did it!
So, fearing Big Green Dink, Doug, Porkchop, and Skeeter decide to go into business to buy a new grill for Mr. Dink, who now has no grill for his big annual barbecue party. Starting a business means fantasy time for Doug.

Right, a car wash. This fantasy goes on and they get interviewed for tv because they own the most successful car wash of all time. They use this tv news interview as an opportunity to unveil the new wing of their business.

That's right; ship and airplane wash! Interesting. So many things wrong with this fantasy.
While they're waiting to wash their first car, Mr. Dink and his wife stop by on a tandem bike and encourage them in their business and remind them that he is still way too upset about his fucking grill. Then they finally have a customer. It was their only customer as car washers. It was Dale.

And what does an idiot child pay for his car wash with? You're probably thinking he paid them handsomely with gold doubloons, right?

Wrong. Those are Poopsi bottle caps, bitch. Fucking POOPSI! Pepsi's horrible knock off sells fantastically in Bluffington, where a name like Poopsi isn't a deterrent.
So they made 4 bottle caps washing cars and gave up. Fortunately Skeeter has a better idea. They'll rake leaves! Doug can see it now...

Yeah, that's how it's going to be. Easy as shit. You'll literally be raking in the money. This fades to them raking up a big ass pile of leaves and being exhausted. Skeeter's dad comes outside to pay them (why are the Valentines the only ones that will hire these idiots?) when Dale runs and jumps into the leaves, destroying the pile. Mr. Valentine refuses to pay them now. This is not how businesses work, sir. Mr. Dink drives up and asks how business is going, and again reminds them of how emotionally attached he was to a fucking grill.
So still, they're only up 4 bottle caps, and now they've given up on raking leaves. There's this weird moment here where they're standing defeated on the sidewalk when Porkchop barks. Twice. Doug replies, "Porkchop's right. We can't let Mr. Dink down." Oh, is Porkchop right Doug? Is that what he said? It sounded like he just barked. You know, like a dog. But if you say that he said something about not letting Mr. Dink down, I'll take your word for it. Time for other odd jobs.

This isn't bad. Surely they made a few dollars walking Andy Warhol's dogs. For some reason Porkchop is marching in front without a leash. That simple fact turns this simple dog-walking scheme into a big mind fuck. It's still way better than Skeeter's odd job.

A balloon blowing service? I see Dale is a customer again. Doug may be a crazy asshole, but at least he's not fucking retarded. Have you learned nothing from today, Skeeter? Kids try to pay for shit with Poopsi bottle caps. You're 11 and have no money, but you're trying to make money. Do you think kids younger than you are likely to have more money than you, and therefore will gladly splurge on a fucking idiot that will blow up a balloon for them? Please think your shit through, Skeeter. This is almost as bad as when you wanted to be head astronaut on student government day.
They regroup at the Honker Burger to see how much money they've made. Turns out they've made $11.57. Terrible. Just terrible. Doug points out that this doesn't even cover expenses. They've actually lost $9.50 after they bought the sponge, car soap (which again, they only used on a small child...), rakes, and cardboard for their useless signs. They are just terrible businessmen, but then you have to consider that two of them are 11 year old boys, and one of them is a dog. Roger comes along just in time to overhear Doug say something about confessing to Mr. Dink.

He gladly points out that they'd be stupid to confess. Mr. Dink doesn't know they did it. Why bother? Roger's a jackass, as usual. Doug has another vision of what Mr. Dink will be like when they tell him.

Goddammit Doug, again? The nicest, most materialistic guy you know, a guy who literally cries every time he thinks about his smashed grill, is not going to turn into a raging monster when you tell him. They tell him...

Look. No monster. In fact, he starts crying because he realizes they've been working hard to try to pay him back. He's very touched that they were worried about his feelings so much. And immediately, he has a plan.

Doug, Skeeter, and Porkchop are going to work odd jobs for Mr. Dink all summer to pay him back for the grill, starting with the barbecue party. They borrowed the grill from Phil Funnie. Look at this...

What you don't see in that picture is that Doug flipped the burger onto the bun being held by Porkchop, who then puts the hamburger on the guy's plate. This is not acceptable. Porkchop's anthropomorphization is just getting ridiculous. In this episode he's worn a baseball glove, thrown a baseball, helped bathe a kid in car soap, raked leaves, lead a group of dogs as though it were a marching band, served food at a party, and said specific things to Doug through barks. This is surely a sign that Doug's grasp on reality is deteriorating.
At the party, Doug serves Patti a burger.

She says she likes her burgers rare with lettuce, pickles, and... "Mayonnaise," Doug asks. He gives her none of these things and she seems content with just having a chunk of undercooked hamburger on her plate. Perhaps it's a metaphor for their relationship at this point.
And so, my favorite extra in this episode is clearly the idiot who had no problem accepting a hamburger from the paws of a dog. I mean...look at this guy?

What the fuck is going on with this guy?