Episode 8, Part 1; Doug Gets His Ears Lowered

This episode starts with a great nightmare. Doug and Porkchop are running as fast as they can from something.

What could they be running from?

Oh, of course. Giant flying scissors. Giant flying scissors chase Doug and Porkchop into a terrifying carnival inhabited by nothing but clowns. I should go ahead and say that this episode is about Doug getting a haircut. It isn't about his fear of clowns, but this nightmare is certain proof that he is terrified of them.

The episode finally really begins with Doug standing in front of a mirror, talking to his dog about his need for a haircut. Doug is overly worried that he won't be able to find someone like his old barber in Bloatsburg, Big Al Sweeney. Doug has a nice flashback to his first haircut from Big Al. Probably because he is a dog, Porkchop mostly ignores Doug. While Doug goes on and on about haircuts and how great his first haircut was, Porkchop steps up on the scales to find that he is overweight. For a dog that couldn't possibly understand numbers or the concept of being overweight, Porkchop seems pretty upset about this.


Outside, Mr. Dink shows off his new hedgeclippers and haircut. When Doug mentions he's getting a haircut, Mr. Dink says "which one?" Doug does not understand this simple joke and responds with "all of them." Anyway, Mr. Dink recommends the place where he got his "very expensive" hair cut. This of course causes Doug to picture himself having the same haircut as Mr. Dink. This is enough for him to write off the entire place. He's not going to get his hair cut there because he doesn't want to look like Mr. Dink. Doug does not understand how this shit works. They don't have one style they give to everyone Doug...

While walking aimlessly through town looking for a barber, Doug runs into Skeeter. Skeeter asks if he wants to go to the mall. There's some stupid videogame he wants to buy. "Sorry, I can't. I gotta find some place to get a haircut." This is an appropriate response if what you're doing is going to take all day, and can't be done at a mall. Doug's just a fucking retard though. Anyway, Skeeter responds with, "Oh cool! You're getting your ears lowered!" Doug looks at his reflection in a window and hallucinates this...

Dammit, Doug. Why must you take everything so fucking literally? It's obvious what Skeeter meant. Of course, why did Skeeter even say that to begin with? What kind of jackass just repeats what you say like that?

So then they run into Judy, who also happens to be getting her hair done today. She recommends Doug go to her place.

Doug is hesitant. Inside we see wacky hair.


Doug is literally attacked by the loud music of this place.


See those lines and music notes that are almost pushing Doug to the ground? Quailman kryptonite. It's not pushing anyone else around, but Doug physically can't take loud music. It is much stronger than wind, though it would only hurt his ears if he wasn't a crazy fucker.

Doug gives up on this place as soon as he sees this girl's new haircut.

Doug pictures himself with this haircut and is so horrified by it that he has to destroy his thought cloud with his arms.

If you saw someone waving their arms around because they thought about what they'd look like with a haircut and this was how they got rid of the thought, would you consider this person sane?


Out on the street, Skeeter tells Doug about the place in the mall where he gets his hair cut. He tells Doug they'll give him the perfect haircut. Doug looks up and sees glory.

Another hallucination, based on...

...a cheese based restaurant.

At the mall, they bump into Roger Rickets and Stinky...

Roger is amused with the idea that Doug is getting a haircut. Surely, the mundane chore of getting a haircut will be so disastrous for Doug it is worth seeing happen. Skeeter warns Doug to avoid the stylist named Fluke, and goes to the video game store. Inside Doug hallucinates again...

Either Doug took some drugs before he left the house or he's just fucking crazy. Doug gets called up and he ends up with Fluke, of course. She suggests giving him a perm...

...with highlights...

Doug's concept of highlights is amusing. And mousse. Fluke wants to use mousse for lift and volume to fit that sense of danger.

Really, Doug? Don't be retarded. This is when Doug finally draws the line and escapes. Quite a sane reaction, really. What kind of hair salon employs someone that just does whatever the fuck they want to a customer's hair without regard to the customer's desires?

Back on the street, wandering aimlessly, Doug bumps into a guy pushing a barber pole into place outside of his new barber shop. He offers Doug a free haircut. The haircut is perfect and Doug tells the barber that he reminds him of the guy that used to cut his hair in Bloatsburg. Turns out this barber is Big Al Sweeney's cousin Joe. You know how good those Sweeneys are at barbering, and since their last name is Sweeney and not Todd, you can pretty much trust them to not slice your throat, grind you up, and cook you into meat pies to be served to the rotten people of Bluffington. In fact, they'll give you and your dumbass dog suckers.

So that's Doug's big haircut adventure. He goes home to write in his journal about getting his ears lowered. He is rudely interrupted by Skeeter who busts into his room and tells him to look out his window.

Yeah, I forgot to mention; when Doug ditched Fluke, Roger sat down in his place. Look at his rickets in that picture. Poor Roger. Regarding Roger's involvement in this story, I think it shows how crazy Doug is. He bumps into Roger at the mall, who decides to tag along to watch him get a haircut. When Doug ditches, Roger gets a haircut. Later, squirrels are making fun of Roger outside of Doug's house. Maybe Roger isn't the mean kid Doug portrays him as. Maybe he's a lonely poor kid that has rickets, and he doesn't know how to make friends. He was probably at the mall to get a haircut anyway, bumped into Doug and Skeeter and tagged along to have company. After being ditched by Doug and Skeeter, he went over to Doug's house to show off his new haircut that almost certainly didn't involve moose antlers. I mean...come on, Doug. I don't buy this for a second. The squirrels making fun of him are you and Skeeter, aren't they?

This is clearly the best extra of the episode. That big green donut thing on her head is the hair style she decided on? "I need my hair to match my green polka dotted clothes, but make it donut shaped. I don't wanna look stupid..."

Episode 7, Part 2; Doug to the Rescue

This episode begins with an introduction to Quailman, the super hero with the powers of the quail. Quailman is Doug's most famous creation. Our first glimpse of Quailman comes in the form of his arm, deafeating no one at a game of checkers in an abandoned park.

He uses the piece in his hand to jump the remaining 3 peices. Landing on the back line, he declares, "KING ME!" How many things can you find wrong with this game of checkers Quailman just played?

Then we finally get a look at Quailman's face...

Here is a picture of a California quail...

I think it's safe to assume Doug has actually seen a quail. He got his head accessory correct at least. It's more likely that Doug has seen common quail, aka this fucker...

Look out for its powers!

Why would he base a super hero on the powers of a quail? You know what powers quail have? Getting shot and eaten because "I'm just so goddamn tired of chicken, turkey, and duck. I need another bird to eat." Amazing powers indeed.



So anyway, the opening fantasy ends to reveal Doug is merely drawing a picture of himself as Quailman. Not bad. This could be a step in the right direction if Doug can write down all of his crazy fantasies as a comic book series, instead of living them out with Skeeter and Roger and Porkchop. That's just not how it goes for Doug, unfortunately. We finally get Doug's real opening lines to his journal to explain what's going on.


"Did you ever have one of those days where you really needed to be a super hero? A day when somebody really, really needed saving? Well today was one of those days."

Today was one of those days where Doug needed to create an alter-ego in order to deal with reality. It all started when Ms. Wingo gave the class a set amount of time so they could work on their book reports. Roger, being the dick that he is, puts all of his effort into getting Patti to do his work for him.

Doug of course sees that Roger is annoying Patti, and Ms. Wingo is getting tired of the two of them talking, and so the natural response Doug has is to imagine that Roger is Klotzilla, kidnapper of Patti and enemy of Quailman.

UNLEASH THE POWER OF THE QUAIL!

THE QUAIL EYE!

Klotzilla is defeated. Reality kicks back in. Roger is on his knees begging Patti to do his work, she screams at him to leave her alone, and they both get sent to detention. Detention at this school apparently takes place during school, not after. Doug and Skeeter start their own conversation about how unfair it was to send Patti to detention too. This annoys Ms. Wingo and she sends them to detention also. I don't know why Ms. Wingo didn't hear Roger loudly begging Patti to do his work. Maybe she's just a shitty teacher. Anyway, in detention, Doug wonders what Quailman would do about Roger and Patti. Roger is still bugging her about doing his book report. Doug is still drawing pictures of Quailman.

Yes, this is Doug's drawing (because "fuck doing that book report I should be doing right now) literally jumping out of the page to wave at him. No, reality has not come back to Doug yet. It's actually getting worse, as Doug decides to start acting like Quailman.

He magically pops up behind Roger and finally asks him to fucking quit bothering Ms. Mayonnaise.

Roger turns to insult Doug and experiences the mighty quail-punch!



Yeah, it was an accident. Doug didn't move his arm; Roger moved his head. I think it's fair to assume that from Doug's perspective, this was a mighty punch that really hurt Roger. In reality, it couldn't have been anything more than annoying. Annoying enough for Roger to want to fight Doug after school, which is right now because the bell just rang. Shit.

Outside, Doug decides to fight as Quailman.




Doug does this disappearing and hiding thing at the beginning of the fight. It causes some confusion. Of course. Then he gets right in Roger's face and says, "Patience. Intelligence. Speed." He says it again. I don't know if you were aware, but quails are known for their patience, intelligence, and speed. That's why they're so good at avoiding getting shot and cooked like all those lesser birds. Skeeter turns to Patti and says, "either Doug's really smart, or he just blew a gasket." YES! Finally someone in Doug's life recognizes that he perhaps isn't all there mentally.

This stare off fades into what Doug thinks is happening...

Then Mr. Bone rushes out to break up the fight.

Roger slinks away, Patti cheers for Doug's bravery, and Skeeter lets me down with the following: "Yo Doug, I'm glad you're not really crazy, man." Dammit Skeeter. Useless twat.

So everything worked out fine. No one discovered Doug's diminishing sanity, and Porkchop got to wear a costume. It is difficult to determine how all this shit really went down. We're only getting his side of the story. It's hard enough when Doug doesn't write about his insane delusions so blatantly. When Doug is proudly telling his journal/us that he fought like a super hero based on quail and won, we might as well assume Roger didn't beat him up because he shit pants and started fondling his genitals. No one wants to touch that.

Also, Team YO extra made an appearance again!

Episode 7; Part 1: Doug's Cool Shoes

"I never knew shoes could give you such a headache."

This episode is about everyone except a celebrity making Doug feel bad about his shoes. It all started with a friendly game of basketball.

They're one point behind. It's one free throw. Porkchop is acting like a cheer leader. Patti yells, "YOU CAN DO IT, DOUG!" She wants to win, or at least tie. Roger immediately yells back, "NO HE CAN'T! He's a loser, straight down to his lame-o shoes!"

Skeeter makes a comment about how Doug's ordinary sneakers don't make him a loser. Doug takes the shot, and misses.

As you can see, the ball bounces off Doug's head. Total humiliation. This is when Doug draws the correlation of shoes to headaches. This is perfect Doug conflict; it's about something Roger first pointed out, Patti doesn't give a shit about it at all, and it's not the source of his real problem here. He just sucks at basketball, Roger always torments him about everything, and he is not taking medications for the severe chemical imbalances in his brain.
So the next scene shows Doug overhearing a conversation Beebe is having about another student. Apparently, this other student has really lame shoes, and someone should clue him in. They seriously aren't talking about Doug. They're talking about Skunky. Skunky Beaumont. Doesn't matter; it makes Doug worry more anyway.

Doug catches up with Skeeter in time to see him demonstrating his reversible sneaker-boots to some girl who remarks, "I think it's so cool when a guy knows what shoes to wear" as Doug hides in his locker. Then Patti comes along looking for Doug.

She asks him if he wants to shoot some hoops. Being too concerned with the opinions of the shallow girls at school, he turns her down. She's made no indication of her opinion on his shoes. His fantasy girl, the girl he's been stalking since he first saw her, just asked to hang out and he said no because he's fucking crazy. Then he has a wonderful fantasy...

A crowd marches up to him, saying absolutely nothing distinct.

They point at his shoes, then turn around and leave. Doug is frightened that wandering crowds of people go around pointing out shoes they don't like. Crazy people don't have to make sense. That's what makes them crazy.

Later, at home (and after a brief discussion with Mr. Dink about his new shoes), Doug decides to watch tv for a bit. Every channel is either a commercial for shoes, or talking about shoes for some reason. There's something I noticed on the tv between channels that I want to share.

Are these spooky ghosts?

Anyway, Doug sees a commercial for Sky Davis' Air Jets and has a fantasy.

"Oh Doug, you're the coolest thing on two feet now that you wear air jets."

There's a huge crowd in the fantasy that is cheering for Doug's basketball skills, but here it's obviously Patti's opinion that matters the most. Doug decides to get some Air Jets.

She gets his shoes size, and goes to the back to get his new shoes. This is when my absolute favorite Doug fantasy happens.

Doug imagines his old shoes are weeping, and pissed at him for getting rid of them. They go on and on about the good times, and talk down to Doug with indignation. Doug apologizes and says something about needing a more sophisticated shoe.

The shoe lady comes back with the last pair of Air Jets they have in stock. Size 24 Triple E.

Doug decides to buy them but finds that he only has enough for one shoe; not both. Roger ends up buying them. This is depressing to Doug, and so he finds a bench outside to sit and be miserable with his nerdy shoes. Then Sky Davis sits next to him.

Turns out Sky Davis prefers to wear shoes exactly like the kind Doug wears. This cheers him up and makes him feel good about his shoes. Sky Davis gets up to leave and Doug stops him to ask if he'll sign his shoes.

Sky kindly signs Doug's shoe, starts to walk away, then stops and gets Doug to sign his shoe too. That way, they can be "sole brothers!" Get it!? HA! HA!

Now confident in his shoes, Doug faces off with Roger the next day. Roger's wearing the way-too-big Air Jets and trips giving Doug the ball. Doug shoots and scores. The end.

As Doug finishes his journal entry, he struggles to find the right idiom to use as the moral. He settles on "Never kick a good shoe when it's down." We go out with a game of trash basketball with the dog.

And now here's why Doug will never be with Patti: the most frequent theme throughout his fantasies is Patti's reaction to what he is doing. It's almost all he thinks about. Everyone else's opinions are meaningless. In reality, as displayed in this episode, the complete opposite is true. Almost always. Patti never mentions his shoes at all, and gives no indication that she gives a shit. This does not matter. What matters is Beebe, the strange girl Skeeter was talking to, Mr. Dink, Roger, tv commercials, and his old shoes; their opinions mattered. Exceptions to this rule are barely exceptions; in the photo swap episode, Doug was worried about everyone else's opinions until he finally talked to Patti. It's hardly an exception because his concern for her opinion in that episode is so troublesome that he tries to avoid the situation at all costs. He never gets her opinion until she tracks him down and gives it to him. Either way, he's ignoring her true feelings any way he can.

And now for my favorite extra from this episode:

In the fantasy about the wandering crowd of shoe disapprovers, there's this girl with a heart/love shirt on. She is the most inappropriately dressed lynch mob individual ever.