Episode 7, Part 2; Doug to the Rescue

This episode begins with an introduction to Quailman, the super hero with the powers of the quail. Quailman is Doug's most famous creation. Our first glimpse of Quailman comes in the form of his arm, deafeating no one at a game of checkers in an abandoned park.

He uses the piece in his hand to jump the remaining 3 peices. Landing on the back line, he declares, "KING ME!" How many things can you find wrong with this game of checkers Quailman just played?

Then we finally get a look at Quailman's face...

Here is a picture of a California quail...

I think it's safe to assume Doug has actually seen a quail. He got his head accessory correct at least. It's more likely that Doug has seen common quail, aka this fucker...

Look out for its powers!

Why would he base a super hero on the powers of a quail? You know what powers quail have? Getting shot and eaten because "I'm just so goddamn tired of chicken, turkey, and duck. I need another bird to eat." Amazing powers indeed.



So anyway, the opening fantasy ends to reveal Doug is merely drawing a picture of himself as Quailman. Not bad. This could be a step in the right direction if Doug can write down all of his crazy fantasies as a comic book series, instead of living them out with Skeeter and Roger and Porkchop. That's just not how it goes for Doug, unfortunately. We finally get Doug's real opening lines to his journal to explain what's going on.


"Did you ever have one of those days where you really needed to be a super hero? A day when somebody really, really needed saving? Well today was one of those days."

Today was one of those days where Doug needed to create an alter-ego in order to deal with reality. It all started when Ms. Wingo gave the class a set amount of time so they could work on their book reports. Roger, being the dick that he is, puts all of his effort into getting Patti to do his work for him.

Doug of course sees that Roger is annoying Patti, and Ms. Wingo is getting tired of the two of them talking, and so the natural response Doug has is to imagine that Roger is Klotzilla, kidnapper of Patti and enemy of Quailman.

UNLEASH THE POWER OF THE QUAIL!

THE QUAIL EYE!

Klotzilla is defeated. Reality kicks back in. Roger is on his knees begging Patti to do his work, she screams at him to leave her alone, and they both get sent to detention. Detention at this school apparently takes place during school, not after. Doug and Skeeter start their own conversation about how unfair it was to send Patti to detention too. This annoys Ms. Wingo and she sends them to detention also. I don't know why Ms. Wingo didn't hear Roger loudly begging Patti to do his work. Maybe she's just a shitty teacher. Anyway, in detention, Doug wonders what Quailman would do about Roger and Patti. Roger is still bugging her about doing his book report. Doug is still drawing pictures of Quailman.

Yes, this is Doug's drawing (because "fuck doing that book report I should be doing right now) literally jumping out of the page to wave at him. No, reality has not come back to Doug yet. It's actually getting worse, as Doug decides to start acting like Quailman.

He magically pops up behind Roger and finally asks him to fucking quit bothering Ms. Mayonnaise.

Roger turns to insult Doug and experiences the mighty quail-punch!



Yeah, it was an accident. Doug didn't move his arm; Roger moved his head. I think it's fair to assume that from Doug's perspective, this was a mighty punch that really hurt Roger. In reality, it couldn't have been anything more than annoying. Annoying enough for Roger to want to fight Doug after school, which is right now because the bell just rang. Shit.

Outside, Doug decides to fight as Quailman.




Doug does this disappearing and hiding thing at the beginning of the fight. It causes some confusion. Of course. Then he gets right in Roger's face and says, "Patience. Intelligence. Speed." He says it again. I don't know if you were aware, but quails are known for their patience, intelligence, and speed. That's why they're so good at avoiding getting shot and cooked like all those lesser birds. Skeeter turns to Patti and says, "either Doug's really smart, or he just blew a gasket." YES! Finally someone in Doug's life recognizes that he perhaps isn't all there mentally.

This stare off fades into what Doug thinks is happening...

Then Mr. Bone rushes out to break up the fight.

Roger slinks away, Patti cheers for Doug's bravery, and Skeeter lets me down with the following: "Yo Doug, I'm glad you're not really crazy, man." Dammit Skeeter. Useless twat.

So everything worked out fine. No one discovered Doug's diminishing sanity, and Porkchop got to wear a costume. It is difficult to determine how all this shit really went down. We're only getting his side of the story. It's hard enough when Doug doesn't write about his insane delusions so blatantly. When Doug is proudly telling his journal/us that he fought like a super hero based on quail and won, we might as well assume Roger didn't beat him up because he shit pants and started fondling his genitals. No one wants to touch that.

Also, Team YO extra made an appearance again!

Episode 7; Part 1: Doug's Cool Shoes

"I never knew shoes could give you such a headache."

This episode is about everyone except a celebrity making Doug feel bad about his shoes. It all started with a friendly game of basketball.

They're one point behind. It's one free throw. Porkchop is acting like a cheer leader. Patti yells, "YOU CAN DO IT, DOUG!" She wants to win, or at least tie. Roger immediately yells back, "NO HE CAN'T! He's a loser, straight down to his lame-o shoes!"

Skeeter makes a comment about how Doug's ordinary sneakers don't make him a loser. Doug takes the shot, and misses.

As you can see, the ball bounces off Doug's head. Total humiliation. This is when Doug draws the correlation of shoes to headaches. This is perfect Doug conflict; it's about something Roger first pointed out, Patti doesn't give a shit about it at all, and it's not the source of his real problem here. He just sucks at basketball, Roger always torments him about everything, and he is not taking medications for the severe chemical imbalances in his brain.
So the next scene shows Doug overhearing a conversation Beebe is having about another student. Apparently, this other student has really lame shoes, and someone should clue him in. They seriously aren't talking about Doug. They're talking about Skunky. Skunky Beaumont. Doesn't matter; it makes Doug worry more anyway.

Doug catches up with Skeeter in time to see him demonstrating his reversible sneaker-boots to some girl who remarks, "I think it's so cool when a guy knows what shoes to wear" as Doug hides in his locker. Then Patti comes along looking for Doug.

She asks him if he wants to shoot some hoops. Being too concerned with the opinions of the shallow girls at school, he turns her down. She's made no indication of her opinion on his shoes. His fantasy girl, the girl he's been stalking since he first saw her, just asked to hang out and he said no because he's fucking crazy. Then he has a wonderful fantasy...

A crowd marches up to him, saying absolutely nothing distinct.

They point at his shoes, then turn around and leave. Doug is frightened that wandering crowds of people go around pointing out shoes they don't like. Crazy people don't have to make sense. That's what makes them crazy.

Later, at home (and after a brief discussion with Mr. Dink about his new shoes), Doug decides to watch tv for a bit. Every channel is either a commercial for shoes, or talking about shoes for some reason. There's something I noticed on the tv between channels that I want to share.

Are these spooky ghosts?

Anyway, Doug sees a commercial for Sky Davis' Air Jets and has a fantasy.

"Oh Doug, you're the coolest thing on two feet now that you wear air jets."

There's a huge crowd in the fantasy that is cheering for Doug's basketball skills, but here it's obviously Patti's opinion that matters the most. Doug decides to get some Air Jets.

She gets his shoes size, and goes to the back to get his new shoes. This is when my absolute favorite Doug fantasy happens.

Doug imagines his old shoes are weeping, and pissed at him for getting rid of them. They go on and on about the good times, and talk down to Doug with indignation. Doug apologizes and says something about needing a more sophisticated shoe.

The shoe lady comes back with the last pair of Air Jets they have in stock. Size 24 Triple E.

Doug decides to buy them but finds that he only has enough for one shoe; not both. Roger ends up buying them. This is depressing to Doug, and so he finds a bench outside to sit and be miserable with his nerdy shoes. Then Sky Davis sits next to him.

Turns out Sky Davis prefers to wear shoes exactly like the kind Doug wears. This cheers him up and makes him feel good about his shoes. Sky Davis gets up to leave and Doug stops him to ask if he'll sign his shoes.

Sky kindly signs Doug's shoe, starts to walk away, then stops and gets Doug to sign his shoe too. That way, they can be "sole brothers!" Get it!? HA! HA!

Now confident in his shoes, Doug faces off with Roger the next day. Roger's wearing the way-too-big Air Jets and trips giving Doug the ball. Doug shoots and scores. The end.

As Doug finishes his journal entry, he struggles to find the right idiom to use as the moral. He settles on "Never kick a good shoe when it's down." We go out with a game of trash basketball with the dog.

And now here's why Doug will never be with Patti: the most frequent theme throughout his fantasies is Patti's reaction to what he is doing. It's almost all he thinks about. Everyone else's opinions are meaningless. In reality, as displayed in this episode, the complete opposite is true. Almost always. Patti never mentions his shoes at all, and gives no indication that she gives a shit. This does not matter. What matters is Beebe, the strange girl Skeeter was talking to, Mr. Dink, Roger, tv commercials, and his old shoes; their opinions mattered. Exceptions to this rule are barely exceptions; in the photo swap episode, Doug was worried about everyone else's opinions until he finally talked to Patti. It's hardly an exception because his concern for her opinion in that episode is so troublesome that he tries to avoid the situation at all costs. He never gets her opinion until she tracks him down and gives it to him. Either way, he's ignoring her true feelings any way he can.

And now for my favorite extra from this episode:

In the fantasy about the wandering crowd of shoe disapprovers, there's this girl with a heart/love shirt on. She is the most inappropriately dressed lynch mob individual ever.

Episode 6, Part 2; Doug's No Dummy

This is a particularly sad episode. In this episode, Doug tries out something that is beneath him: ventriloquism. You know ventriloquism...it's that art form where a man practices for years to make it look like he's talking to his hand. In 99.99% of all cases of ventriloquism, it turns out the guy behind it is not funny, but since he's already devoted so much of his life to talking without moving his mouth, he just can't do anything else. Jeff Dunham suffers from the lack of humor that often comes with devoting too much time to making sure your lips aren't moving while you make a face that looks like you're being strangled with a small rope. He got a show anyway. Doug Funnie experimented with this shit once, and thank god it didn't ruin his show.

Anyway, this episode is about the school talent show. Doug briefly considered signing up for the talent show, but decided he didn't have talent, and so passed the sign up sheet back to Roger.

Dammit, Roger. It actually looks like Roger signed everyone up, because it's all in the same handwriting, but that's not the case. He just signed up Doug and himself. What is Doug's response when Ms. Wingo reads the list of names and he's on it?

Total panic. Immediately. A normal kid would simply raise his hand, inform Ms. Wingo that he hadn't signed up, and that would be the end of it. Doug must think this sheet of paper is a legally binding contract, and that he must perform some stupid shit in front of the school or face harsh penalties.

But Doug doesn't have any talent. He thinks about doing a comedy routine with Porkchop.

He screws up and gets booed by his fantasy crowd. So his next idea is to check the attic at home for anything he might be able to use. Doug knows that this is where his parents keep Uncle Happy's old clown trunk. I don't think I could sleep at night knowing that Uncle Happy's old clown trunk was stored in the attic.

So what does Doug find? A ventriloquist dummy and a book titled "How to be a Ventriloquist in One Day."

Doug names the dummy Buster, and opens the book. Step one is ridiculous, and Doug follows it poorly. "To make the sound of a b, just say d." He uses this advice to turn the sentence "The boy bought the basketball" into "Da doy dought da dasketdall." He moves his lips the entire time. Why does "the" turn into "da" from step one? "The" does not contain the b sound, Doug. Not at all. This is all we ever see of Doug's original ventriloquist act. He introduces Buster, and then says "Da doy dought da dasketdall." After noticing how wonderful he did with step one, Doug imagines getting his own tv show.

The show, titled "Doug's No Dummy," consists of Doug walking down the stairs and saying "Da doy dought da dasketdall." An audience laughs. Why? What does Doug think is funny about a boy buying a basketball? Is there more to this story about a boy and his ball than Doug is telling us? This is worse than the mangled joke he screwed up in his previous fantasy about doing normal stand-up. At least he was trying to say something funny there. Time to show the family.

His parents are enthusiastic about his new interest. To each other, they comment on his mouth moving. Judy over analyzes it into a artistic statement about communication. This makes her cry.

Her parents stare at her, offering no support or comfort. Her father says "Judy?" twice in a feeble way that shows how little interest he has in helping her. More terrific parenting from Mr. and Mrs. Funnie. They should help both of their kids here. They don't.

Confident in his act (after that encouraging, and not at all helpful reaction from his family) Doug is ready for the talent show tomorrow. He meets up with Skeeter backstage.

Skeeter's going to play an ocarina. He made it out of a hard roll from the cafeteria. While trying to demonstrate to Doug, he drops it and it slides under the curtain. Doug offers to get it and gets a glimpse of the crowd.

Panic time. He immediately imagines...

A standard fear of being on stage. I'll never understand why people bring vegetables to throw at people. Doug pulls his head out of the curtain and gets a replacement shirt from Porkchop's suitcase.

Doug brought several backup shirts and red bow ties, because he knows he's going drench them with sweat. Doug gets called to go on first, and begs to be held back a bit. Roger and the Ulcers go on.

Meanwhile Roger's cat gets a hold of Skeeter's bread ocarina...

...and eats it.

Porkchop laughs.

Doug sweats some more, but instead of changing shirts again...


The plant dies immediately.

Doug pep talks Patti into performing. While she's performing, Skeeter pep talks Doug into performing by pointing out that Patti was nervous too, and she's doing fine. So, finally ready to perform, Chalky gets called up...

That fucking dick. Chalky has two dummies, better costumes, and he is actually much better at the whole ventriloquism thing than Doug. Chalky kills too. He probably won the talent show. This is when Doug's shirt is soaked again, and Porkchop has to make sure that fucking plant is dead.

Doug needs some more convincing to go on stage. This time it takes Patti telling him that it's over quick, and then everyone is clapping, even her. Her too?

So he goes out and the first thing that happens is Buster's head flies off.

His parents don't seem that concerned, and Judy takes it as a political statement and breaks down again.

Porkchop knows he's going to have to deal with Doug crying himself to sleep tonight.

Patti comes up with an idea. Skeeter will fill in for the head...

And Porkchop will fill in for the drummer...

What?

Doug and Skeeter (who somehow fills in for the arms too) do an improv act that gets a lot of laughs in spite of its lack of humor. Doug writes in his journal that maybe ventriloquism isn't for him. Porkchop takes it up though.

1. It was established in an earlier episode that Doug plays banjo. When Porkchop goes missing in "Doug's Dog Date," Doug sits on the front porch and plays the shit out of a banjo while wailing about his missing dog. Doug definitely should've played the banjo in the talent show. He's better at it, obviously, and it's not fucking ventriloquism.

2. Doug never went past step one in the book. Changing Bs to Ds is all Doug thinks ventriloquism is. His routine was shit anyway.

3. Not performing was always an option. Doug could've backed out, and Roger would've given him shit about it. But Roger was giving him shit about it anyway, so what did he gain from performing besides the knowledge that ventriloquism sucks?

4. Porkchop is all over the place in this one. Maybe the more stressed Doug is; the more Porkchop is able to do. He's carrying suitcases, buckets, wringing out shirts, laughing, playing the drums, telling ventriloquist jokes without moving his mouth. Show me a boy that thinks his dog can do all that, and I'll show you a boy that has a very poor concept of reality and will probably need strong anti-psychotic drugs.

5. Uncle Happy's old clown trunk? There are so many possibilities and literally none of them are good. The best Doug could hope for was a ventriloquist dummy.

This episode had some great extras...

As far as extras go, this picture gets better as you go left to right.