Episode 5, Part 1; Doug Can't Dig It

"Dear Journal. Me again; Doug. Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I was too busy having a nervous breakdown."
Doug begins this episode like every other. He addresses his journal and apologizes to it as though it were sentient, and had a concept of time and hurt feelings. Oh, and he mentions having a nervous breakdown. Hopefully the nervous breakdown will be the warning sign the people around him need to see he needs help.

Doug and Porkchop are having breakfast. Doug has wasted cereal and milk by pouring Porkchop a bowl, giving him a spoon, and sitting him at the table as if he isn't a dog. Judy taunts Doug about something she won't tell him about.

At school, Ms. Wingo tells the class about a guest speaker the school is having tomorrow, and that Doug will introduce the speaker. Doug has a short fantasy of this being the most amazing thing to ever happen to him.

Doug is so great as the introducer of the mystery guest, he makes himself laugh...

He comes out of his fantasy with Ms. Wingo repeatedly saying, "Doug?" Everyone is laughing at his debilitating delusions. No one understands Doug's psychological problems.

Guess what? The special guest he's introducing is Judy! Oh noooooooo!

This is an immediate turn into the worst thing ever. Why, Doug? Oh, because Judy is just going to do some bad, narcissistic beat nick poetry...

...which is just the most embarrassing thing for you personally...

...and then because she hates you so much, she's going to tell everyone at school that you love Patti.

As if it's some big secret.

At the Honker Burger, Doug decides to use psychology on Judy to try to talk her out of it. He walks over to her, says, "uh, Judy" and is immediately shot down by her knowing what he's going to say and saying she's doing it anyway. He slinks back over to Skeeter and announces that psychology didn't work. Well, he has a pretty shitty definition of psychology doesn't he? Skeeter has a better plan. but first...

This is a scene where Judy is yelling, as loud as she can, "I HATE YOU!" Repeatedly. There is no context for the scene. There's no reason. It isn't just brushed off as one of her acting exercises, and if it were, what is she getting out of that as an actor? She is just in her room, yelling at herself in the mirror. This is far more troubling than most of the shit Doug does. The Funnies are just the worst parents. Their oldest daughter acts out like an attention whore and yells at herself in the mirror until she's hoarse, and their youngest is Doug.

Anyway, Judy's phone rings, so she puts on her "everything's alright" face and answers it. It's Doug using a silly voice and pretending to be a talent scout.

He says his name is J.B. Hunkamunka, a very famous producer. His terrible lies, and bad voice acting (including a few breaks into his normal voice) get him busted.

Why did they do this at Doug's house? Haven't they watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off? This isn't a matter of Doug's crazy; it's Doug and Skeeter's stupid. Call her from Skeeter's house. Or a pay phone (remember those? they still existed back then). The way they did it (and the fake name they used) feels like a step above putting on a fake mustache and walking into her room and pretending to be Hunkamunka. Very stupid.
Anyway, not much else of interest happens. Doug shares this stupid memory of Judy ruining some stupid dental hygiene play they were both in (she was plaque, he was a toothbrush, she wouldn't die) and he assumes she'll ruin whatever this is going to be too. Before the assembly, Doug sort of decides to ditch it, but then hides backstage like a dumbass. He overhears Mr. Bone telling Judy to get out there, and starts to recognize panic in her voice as she really wanted him to introduce her. He steps up, does it, and the world didn't end. Then he doesn't even watch her performance. All the students rushing out tell him how great it was. Blah blah blah. Pretty mild for a nervous breakdown.

I want to address one of the extras.

What is that fat kid in the back wearing? Why is he dressed like the top half of him is going skiing and the bottom half is going hiking on a nice summer day? Stupid fat kids.

Episode 4, Part 2: Doug Rocks

"DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THAT TUBA SOLO!?"

This is the episode that introduced The Beets. It starts with Doug writing about how he didn't have a favorite band, but Skeeter's favorite band was The Beets.

See how much he loves them? He has posters and a wig that doesn't look like any of the band members' hair. Doug tells Skeeter he doesn't know who The Beets are...

...and like any good friend, Skeeter begins Doug's education of The Beatles by teaching him how to play air guitar. This causes (surprisingly) the only fantasy Doug has throughout the episode. (though it is riddled with his crazy reality via Porkchop and Roger's cat, who wear wigs and fight throughout the episode.) Anyway, playing air guitar makes Doug imagine he is the lead singer of The Beets.

Seriously. He was playing air guitar, and the picture faded into this fantasy of him singing. Poor Doug. Of course, what delusional sequence would be complete without Patti showing her irresistible love for Doug.

And that's the end of the fantasy. It fades out to reveal Doug and Skeeter walking on the street...

Doug's arms are raised like that because of that aspect of his fantasies that consumes his actions in real life. Yes, it happened again. Of course. It's also worth noting that his fantasy started in Skeeter's bedroom, and ended on the street with Skeeter following him, perhaps participating in the fantasy without realizing the seriousness of the situation (as always).

Anyway, Roger comes along and informs them of a sold out surprise Beets show in Bluffington that night. He came to brag that he got the last two tickets. He hangs around at Skeeter's house until it's time to leave for the show. He's such a dick the entire time. It makes no sense at all why Doug and Skeeter let him hang out. "Well, thanks for letting us know we can't see our favorite band tonight. Would you like to come in while we wallow in self pity?" But oh wait, the radio station has two tickets for whoever can call in and answer 3 Beets trivia questions first!

Of course they won! It was a fluke too. The final answer was "Beets Me" and Skeeter and Doug didn't know the answer so Doug said "Beats me..." and they won. Dumbass radio stations with their answers being the equivalent of "I don't know."

Here's a shot from this sequence of events I just love...

Notice that the writing on Roger's shirt is backwards. I don't think this was merely an animation mistake. This is right after Doug and Skeeter won the tickets. In Doug's mind, Roger's endless taunts about being able to go when they can't have just been turned back on him. He wasted his entire afternoon taunting them because they can't go. They didn't even know about the concert until he came along. They wouldn't have been listening to the radio to hear about the contest for tickets if he hadn't turned it on and remarked about the tuba solo. If Roger had waited until the next day, he could have informed them of what they missed all the same. Doug literally sees Roger backwards here because his actions have been totally counter productive. Also, there appears to be a face on the laundry basket. I don't know what that's about...

Oh, but Skeeter pisses off his dad at dinner (which Roger was also invited to) and gets grounded so he can't go.

So, with Skeeter grounded, Doug decides to stay back with him instead of going to the show. Pretty dumb, but even worse is that Skeeter's parents allow Doug to hang out with him anyway. Skeeter is grounded. He shouldn't have guests. That's not how groundings work. They make a lot of noise, piss off Mr. Valentine again, and the three of them get kicked out of the house. Again, a failure to understand how groundings work. Doug is obviously a bad influence on your kid, Mr. Valentine, and you kick Skeeter out of the house late in the evening because you're tired of the noise he's making with Doug and Porkchop. This show is riddled with bad parenting.

They go to the Honker Burger, and find it empty because everyone must be at the concert. So they're rocking out to the radio when The Beets roll up in their bus, start rocking out with Doug, Skeeter, and Porkchop, get their milkshakes, and leave after throwing jackets to the three of them. Yes, even Porkchop got a Beets jacket.

Throughout the entire episode, Porkchop wears this mohawk wig...

There are several wigs thrown around throughout the episode. None of them look like Beets hairstyles, which leads me to believe that Doug associates rock music with stupid wigs.

Episode 4, Part 1: Doug Takes a Hike

This episode has everything; Doug's fantasies dissolve in a pathetic reality, and Doug's reality couldn't possibly have happened. So lets get to it...

This episode is about Doug joining the Bluffscouts, also called the Tendertoes a couple of times. Doug's anxiety comes from being the new scout and having no badges. Everyone else has badges, and this makes Doug feel insecure because they probably all had badges when they joined too. That's how things work right? Surely everyone will look down on him because he didn't come with merit badges like they did.

So anyway, Scout Leader Dink tells all of the scouts to pair off, go into the woods, and find an item that best represents the woods. The pair that finds the best object gets merit badges. Doug immediately fantasizes winning and getting his first badge...

Yes, this is from his fantasy where he is being awarded his first badge. All those other badge-like things on his sash? Those are something else. Probably just syrup stains from breakfast or something.

Well, before Doug can ask Skeeter if he wants to pair up, Roger steps in and tells Dink and all the Bluffscouts that he'd be more than happy to show Doug the ropes. Knowing their past, everyone should know this is just Roger taking the opportunity to torment Doug's fragile mind. First he goes through his bag to find a new flag to hang on the flagpole in the middle of the goddamn woods.

Then he leaves Doug to set up camp by himself, coming back only to criticize him for not getting the fire wood yet. Before Doug takes off to get fire wood, Roger plants the seeds of terrible fantasy. He tells Doug about all the crazy animals, mutants, and punching trees in the forest. Uh oh! Doug walks 10 feet, right into a terrifying delusion...

A tree grabs him...

...then tries to punch him...

...then green blob monsters try to sit on his shoes...

...and another tree grabs him...

...and the branch that tries to attack him, while he feebly tries to brush it away, dissolves into a rope...

...which turns into Roger and his buddies laughing at Doug because "he thinks it's a snake! HAHAHAHAHA!" Congratulations, Roger. You've just taken advantage of a mentally ill person for your own amusement. Again. Not cool, dude.

So Roger wants to win the merit badges by finding arrow heads. In trying to find them, they come across a harmless green snake.

It can do other tricks too. Everything else the snake does is far less impressive than writing "hi" in cursive on the ground. But it can stand up on Doug's command...

Doug is Harry Potter, apparently. The snake slithers its way up onto Doug's shoulder and gives him snake kisses.

Snake kisses tickle.

Then we find out Roger has a phobia of snakes. He disappears and we don't see him again until Doug accidentally meets up with the group later. That doesn't mean Doug doesn't fantasize about revealing Roger's phobia to the group and making them laugh at him for a change.

He asks Porkchop and Mr. Scaley (oh, did I forget to mention the naming of the snake? Yeah. Doug asks the snake if it had a name. It shook its head no, and Doug asked if it liked the name Mr. Scaley. It squeeked (you know, like a snake squeekes when it is happy) and nodded in approval) what he should do and gets the typical dumb animal response...

How would they know, Doug?

Blah blah blah, Doug gets back to the group, shows the snake, saves Roger from embarrassment, and wins his first merit badge. The snake reveals one final trick...

Jumping through perfectly thrown, donut sized hoops. Doug says his goodbye to Mr. Scaley, who makes him promise he'll come visit (he never does though), before he slithers off in tears.

Here's more evidence of Roger's raging case of rickets.

And now I must address the actions of the snake. Well, they're simply ludicrous aren't they? Only a delusional person would think a wild animal such as a snake would say hi (let alone spell it out on the ground), do tricks on command, agree to a name, cry tears, or even pretend to respond to the grunting sounds of that young ape that just wandered into its territory. This is far more troubling than Doug's relationship with Porkchop. Many people pretend to have conversations with their dogs (though most don't pretend it is as complicated as Doug and Porkchop's relationship), but every sane person knows that this type of behavior with wild animals is dangerously insane. It starts with, "oh it's just a friendly snake" and ends with a friendly bear ripping your guts out and feeding your ass to her cubs. It's only a matter of time before Doug's delusions invites trouble onto all of the other Bluffscouts. They need to have a badge for being able to tell the difference between fantasy and reality, and then get a psychologist to help Doug earn it.

Episode 3, Part 2: Doug's Big Nose

Attention everybody! Tomorrow everyone will have their pictures taken for photo-swap day!

Look at the joy on their faces. Skeeter is my favorite. I appreciate seeing Roger this happy too, but Skeeter really looks like he's in a commercial for heaven. Doug's happiness is confusing because he immediately asks Skeeter what photo-swap day is. Look how happy he is. He just heard he's getting his picture taken for something that he is going to fret about the entire episode. Here's a nice shot of Skeeter explaining photo-swap day. There's no need for it here, I just like the angle and think it's a surprisingly cool shot for a show like this.

The whole idea of photo-swap day is appealing to Doug simply because he wants a picture of Patti. Skeeter says her pictures are hard to get because everyone wants one. So naturally Doug imagines that she gives all of her pictures to him while everyone begs her for one. She remarks that he'll have one for every day of the year, which begs the question...why does Doug think Patti would think he'd need 365 copies of the same photo? He clearly thinks she thinks he's so pathetic that he would ruin a copy a day from all the possible uses an 11 year old boy could have for a photo of his crush.

Anyway, Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop go pick up Skeeter's little brother Dale from his day care. Look at him there. Cute little blue kid in a huge purple sweater. You might remember he keeps saying "yum yum eat em up" because the Valentines watch a shitload of old Little Rascals. Dale is the cause of Doug's problems this time around. Upon first meeting Doug, Dale (Skeeter very recently remarked that Dale hasn't spoken an entire sentence yet) points at Doug and says, "big nose!" And with the innocent remarks of a child that cannot yet form sentences, Doug is spun for such an emotional loop that it literally knocks him to the ground.

Devastating.

This episode contains the usual taunts from Roger Rickets that don't need to be detailed here. Some trigger Doug's fantasies like normal, but most of the time it's just calling him names like Pinocchio or Schnoz or some stupid bullshit.

One of Doug's fantasies starts as he's worrying about how long he's had such a big nose, and why no one ever told him. He thinks maybe he's always had a huge nose and it has been absolutely terrifying his entire life. He imagines being pushed along in a stroller, and two cliche women start going baby crazy because women can't resist looking at babies, until they pull back his blanket and see the horror hidden within...

The women run away screaming in horror.

Taking a page right out of the Jack Bandit book from the Doug Gets Busted episode, Doug wears something ridiculous to school to try to make his nose look smaller.

Only a crazy person would dress like this. "My nose is big, but if I make absolutely everything else about my appearance completely ridiculous, no one will notice my nose." In the bathroom, he realizes this won't work, takes it off, and decides he won't have his picture taken.

So Doug has a few more fantasies before he relents and gets his picture taken. First, he imagines his nose keeps growing, which causes him great embarrassment at his graduation...

Then he imagines giving his picture to Patti, and absurdity occurs...

The nose in his picture literally punches her in the chin, then she runs off screaming about how his nose poked her eye out. Call an ambulance!

While admiring his nose in the reflection on a window, Doug begins to see the people that have taunted his nose...

Dale and Roger, of course, actually taunted him. Here Patti taunts him about something that happened in a fantasy. The imaginary reflections disappear to reveal that Patti is actually standing there trying to get his attention. After a bunch of stupid dialog, she convinces Doug his nose gives him "true character" and to get his picture taken.

So his picture comes out great. Photo-swap day comes. Roger calls Skeeter "skeet-face." Doug gives Patti a photo. Patti gives Doug a photo. And all that drama occurred in Doug's mind because a child that can barely talk pointed out a feature in his face that he had never even considered before. Sane? No.