Episode 2: Doug Can't Dance

"Dear diary, it's me, Doug," is how he decides to open this entry into his journal. As if he's going to look back at this entry years from now and thank himself for making a note of who wrote this entry. Anyway, this is the first half of the second episode, and his fantasies are surprisingly few. Our first scene from that day's events features Roger busting into Doug's home to scare him about the dance.

His vitamin deficiency is really getting out of control.

Roger scares him about the dance by pointing out that he's paired of with Patti Mayonnaise, the best dancer in the school. At first Doug was like...

Then he was like...

...because Roger questioned his dancing abilities.

I feel like I should mention Doug's outfit. Apparently this is some sort of costume dance. There's no mention of Halloween or anything (though there are pumpkins in hay in the entrance to the dance. Is it Halloween but no one feels the need to point it out?); there's just a costume dance at school chaperoned by Mr. Dink in a chicken costume.

So then Doug consults Skeeter, who is to be the DJ for this costume dance party at the school. Here we have Skeeter trying to teach Doug how to dance, which he defines as "just moving around without going anywhere." His demonstration ends badly and he finger walks away. HONK HONK!

Finally, when Doug gets to the dance, he has another fantasy. One where he is a great dancer. One of the greatest dancers of all time. He is an obvious MC Hammer reference!

See Patti's face up there? That's when reality starts to kick back in. Patti has walked up on Doug while he has been fantasizing about wearing parachute pants, completely unaware of his surroundings. When he realizes she's actually talking to him, he falls on his ass.

"Doug? Doug? Are you okay?"

"...yeah..."

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, uh...just thinking."

Sorry, Doug. Only crazy people fall on their ass because they thought they were dancing in some clouds before someone interrupted them.

Anyway, so the dance goes fine. Patti gets him dancing and they're having a great time. Patti is (apparently) the only one who knew that Doug's costume was a slug; other suggestions were: godzilla, a prune, a pile of manure, and a sack of dirty socks. Other costumes at the dance include: a hammer (Roger), a screw, a screwdriver, a saw, a pencil, a hotdog, Mickey Mouse, Rudolph, a superhero with a Q on his shirt, an astronaut and a donut. Yes, this little girl pulled off the impossible and dressed as a donut.

It must've hurt like hell when she cut off her torso.

Roger, unhappy with his failure to scare Doug away, decided to pull a prank. When trying to put a bunch of ice down Doug's back, he slipped and the head of his hammer costume smashed Doug's foot. Doug hopped with pain. That was enough for both of them to be convinced that Doug can't dance. Roger laughs and Doug panics.

Only in Doug's mind could he be the loser here. Roger is the one that failed at the simple task of walking while holding something. Only in Doug's mind is being injured inexcusable when it comes to dancing ability. "What? Your foot hurts through no fault of your own? WHAT A BAD DANCER!"

Oh wait, I guess Patti thinks so too. She saves the day by pretending that what Doug is doing is a new dance. She calls it the flub hop. Everyone joins in, even Mr. Dink. Way to go, Patti. You saved Doug the embarrassment of everyone knowing what it looks like when your toenails fall off. Now everyone thinks he's just a great, innovative dancer, instead of a retard who doesn't know how to avoid incompetent twats in hammer costumes who fall and smash feet.

Roger Klotz has Rickets

The main purpose of this blog is to expose the debilitating psychosis of Doug Funnie. However, whenever I stumble upon evidence of Roger Klotz's rickets, I feel obligated to document it. Last time I searched google images, I found no screen shots that showed Roger with his legs bowed out because of his rickets. If you don't know, and you're too lazy to click on the link I provided, rickets is the softening of bones due to a vitamin D deficiency. Google images returns some depressing pictures or children with rickets. You can look them up if you wish. Anyway, here's the three from the first episode that I used to make the image above...

Episode 1: Doug Bags a Nematoad

Our first look at our hero in full color. Of course, he's writing in his journal on his way to his new home, because some things just can't wait. As Doug explains that they are moving to Bluffington because of his father's new department store photographer job, we get a glimpse of what that's going to be like as Phillip prepares to take a family photo in front of the new house.

Wait, is that a Polaroid camera?

Goddammit, you're fired.


So after the family photo (that was, for reasons unknown, ruined by the movers), Phillip sends Doug off on his bike to find a hamburger joint in town so he can get everyone dinner and explore Bluffington. Responsible parenting. This is when we meet his new neighbors, the Dinks. The Dinks are Bud and Tippy. Apparently rich, Bud likes to buy gadgets and talk about how expensive they are. Tippy always shows disdain for Bud's enthusiasm in everything, begging the question of why they are even together. She's never happy. Anyway, Bud shows Doug a welcome to Bluffington video, hosted by Mayor Bob White. This is his annoying way of giving Doug directions to Honker Burger, where all the kids hang out. This is where our first good delusion kicks in.

Doug, at first excited about meeting kids at the local hangout, quickly panics about the possibility that no one will like him. This isn't normal panicking either. Doug visualizes the mayor of Bluffington announcing to everyone that he is a loser. He has this whole vision of all the kids in town laughing at him. Hardly a realistic thing to worry about. Yet Doug really runs with it to the point of being unaware of his surroundings. See, while Doug was assuming everyone would hate him based on the mayor's opinion of him, the traffic light he was waiting for changed and he was holding up traffic.

DAMN YOU, MAYOR!

So Doug makes it to Honker Burger, meets Skeeter because you must run your order through a translator so it is retarded, and accidentally squirts ketchup on Roger Klotz's shoe. Uh oh! The ketchup accident was a result of seeing Patti Mayonnaise ride by on her bike outside. Instead of being cool about it, Roger decides to play a prank on Doug by telling him to meet him at Stinson's Pond so he can be the first person to bag a neematoad. Thanks Roger, for triggering another fantasy where Doug becomes a hero.

Already fantasizing about a girl he hasn't met until crushing reality hits him in the form of Roger's voice.

Anyway, Doug meets Roger and his goons the next day and they tell him how to catch a neematoad and he does it for hours before he notices that they're just across the pond laughing at him because neematoads are just made up bullshit. Then porkchop emerges from the pond covered in mud and they all freak out thinking it's a neematoad. Skeeter believes it is a neematoad too, in spite of Doug insisting that it's just his muddy dog. I can only believe that these people are not this retarded, and that Doug is lying to his journal about everyone believing it's not just a muddy dog.

Doug finally meets Patti the same way he met Roger, but instead of squirting the ketchup on her, he squirts it on her hamburger. She says he has great aim in spite of the fact that it was a total accident, and after Skeeter's introductions, we get this lovely bunch of infatuation.

And that's pretty much it. Doug writes in his journal about everyone he met; how he hopes Skeeter will be his best friend (best human friend after Porkchop protests (because as a dog, he can either read what Doug is writing, or hear what he is thinking), how the Dinks are weird, and how he might be in love with Patti. It is at this point in the series that Patti should think about a restraining order.

Introducing: Doug Funnie

Doug Funnie is the 11 year old son of Theda Opal and Phillip Funnie; sister of Judy. He keeps a journal. He plays banjo. He's new to Bluffington, and as the new kid, he's having a hard time finding his place. When I say, "he's having a hard time finding his place," I mean he's fucking crazy.

Doug Funnie is crazy.

It is rather difficult to accurately diagnose Doug's particular brand of psychosis. He is prone to delusions of grandeur, delusions of guilt, and delusions of reference, often mixed with grandiose delusions. The evidence is piling up against Doug's young brain, and most of it points to manic bipolar disorder.

The real tragedy of Doug is how no one in his life realizes that he needs help. His dad is too busy with his new department store photographer job (a job apparently so lucrative it is worth moving your family to Bluffington), and his mom is too busy being largely unnoticeable herself (seriously, I had to look up her name and was surprised to learn it was Theda Opal) to realize that his day dreams are more than an overactive imagination. They interfere with his every interaction with other humans.

As our only view into the life of Doug Funnie is through 11 minute episodes based on his own journal entries, we must rely on his own writing to prove his insanity.