The beginning of this episode is missing. Since I am relying on copies ripped from old VHS tapes, I'm grateful for what is available. Not much seems to be missing. It is only missing whatever happens before the title, and a little bit after that. So, I don't know what actually happens here.
So we begin with Beebe talking about her new nose. She says, "nobody takes people with big noses seriously, Doug."
Doug takes offense to this remark, but Beebe walks away without further comment. Chalky grabs Doug saying, "you gotta see this." People are lined up to pay actual money to look at Roger's face with a magnifying glass. He grew his first whisker.
This financially irresponsible person says, "could be a whisker. Could be lint." He's just all around stupid. As Connie struts by, drawing the attention of all the idiotic males lined up to see Roger's facial hair, Doug says something about everyone changing at Beebe Bluff Middle School.
In addition to everyone's puberty and/or plastic surgery, Skeeter has received his first F. It was for a coat rack he made in shop class.
Skeeter points out that his coat rack predicts the weather, removes pet hair, and has a built in tracking device to locate your jacket anywhere on the planet. He received the F because it doesn't actually hold coats, as demonstrated by the teacher. After Mr. Heaver leaves, the failed coat rack detects pet hair on Doug and promptly removes his clothes and replaces them with a coat and hat.
Skeeter runs after the teacher, asking if he wants to grade his pet hair remover.
While everyone is doing research in the library, Roger is wasting his time dicking around with a picture of himself to figure out what kind of facial hair he should grow. He tries the Lincoln.
And the Santa.
He also tries the Shaggy. Doug asks everyone if they want to go to Mr. Swirly's.
Roger thinks it's a great idea so he can show off his new goatee. Beebe's doesn't want to be seen by "real people" until her new nose is ready and Patti has a zit on her forehead that apparently ruins the taste of ice cream.
That night, Doug is taking a shower and thinking about how everyone is hung up on their looks.
He says he didn't freak out when he got his first pimple, but of course we know he did. He even imagines it. Here it is, with arms and asking him to order a pizza.
He also says he didn't freak out when he gained a little weight.
He doesn't mention all the other times he has freaked out about his appearance. Anyway, as he's wiping the fog off the mirror, he asks, "how could everybody be so self conscious?" Then he yells as he notices his hair is thinning. He checks the shower drain and finds a lot of his hair.
Doug says his hair looked normal once it dried, but he wanted to be sure this wasn't a serious problem. Naturally, he walks up behind his father and starts poking him in the head.
"Boy, that's a head full of hair you got there, dad. That is definitely not a wig, that's for sure!"
Doug asks, "you were my age once, right?"
"What'd your hair look like?"
Theda says she thinks Doug has pretty much the same hair as Phil. She shows Doug a few photo's of young Phil to reassure him.
Pretty much the same hair. There's also a hippy Phil with long hair and a disco Phil with an afro. Somehow Doug finds this reassuring. He excitedly points out that good hair is in your genes and he has the same genes as his father. Judy can't let this stand. This episode would end really early if Doug stopped worrying about his hair.
Judy points out that baldness is actually inherited from your mother. So she turns the family photo album to some of her relatives. The only one we see is someone she calls Uncle Chromedome.
She also mentions Uncle Slidytop and Uncle Shinyhead. This is doubly distressing. Not only is Doug likely to go bald, he's also going to get a hurtful nickname. Doug runs screaming from the room.
The next morning, Doug says he decided to not let his hair get him down.
He also puts a little mousse in his hair and combs it a bit to make it look good. On his walk to school, he is almost immediately hit right in the head with a bunch of water.
Mr. Dink apologizes and says he's having trouble with his new remote controlled sprinkler system.
Doug returns home to fix his hair.
And takes precaution against further incidents involving a lot of water ruining his carefully styled hair.
Patti comments on his preparedness for the rain. He says you can never be too prepared for rain and she points out it isn't raining. It's like...why is he even worried about his hair? If he becomes an eccentric always protecting himself from nonexistent rain, no one is going to notice his bald head.
At school, Chalky, Skeeter, and Beebe excitedly tell Doug and Patti about the new waterpark at the mall.
It is opening this Friday and it's called Tsunami City. Obviously Doug is not as excited as he should be. Patti is fucking thrilled.
Patti suggests the obvious; that they should all go together. Doug has a typical fantasy. It begins with him having a great time, laughing as he slides down a water slide. When he surfaces in the pool at the end of the slide, his comb-over is ruined.
A life guard blows his whistle and shouts for everyone to get out of the water because there is a comb-over in the pool. Everyone panics and runs screaming like the doodie scene in Caddyshack.
Doug tries to talk everyone out of going. He asks about Beebe's nose and Patti's pimple.
Patti says her pimple isn't going to ruin her fun. Beebe says her bandage will be off by Friday. Patti asks if he's going, so he says, "what have I got to lose?"
At home, he's slouching on the couch, wondering how he's going to get more hair in just three days. Conveniently a commercial answers his question.
It's more or less a spoof of GLH. A bald man gets fired then his girlfriend dumps him at dinner. He sprays some "hair" onto his head and gets a promotion and the woman professes her love for him and his hair. Naturally, Doug buys the shit.
Mr. Dink is still having problems with his new sprinkler system.
He says hello to Doug and immediately asks, "using that new spray on hair?"
"How could you tell?"
"Oh, just a lucky guess. Huhuhuh. Let me help you with that."
Doug protests when Mr. Dink throws it right in the trash where it belongs. He tells Doug to trust him, then takes him inside for a demonstration.
Mr. Dink has a slide show of childhood photos ready to demonstrate how he lost his hair between the ages of 12 and 13. Here he is at 13.
Doug points out that Mr. Dink has plenty of hair and he admits that it is nothing more than a fancy comb-over., which is sort of an oxymoron. Fortunately, he's just purchased the (of course) very expensive Follicle 4000. Apparently, Mr. Dink just wanted to test this product on someone before he tried it himself. He jams it onto Doug's head and turns it on. While Doug's head starts shaking around, smoke pours out of the sides.
When Doug checks himself in a mirror, he notices his hair is not thicker. Looking into Follicle 4000, he sees a bunch of his hair has actually been removed by the damned thing.
Mr. Dink says he has another invention that temporarily cures baldness. Doug asks what it is.
"They call it uh...the hat."
Meanwhile, Skeeter is still struggling with shop class. Here he is presenting his simple bird house.
The teachers decide they should explain the idea behind designing simple things. They point out the barest necessities you need to build a school and Skeeter describes things that would make it cooler, like a roller coaster, a race track, and a space port.
Next, they show Skeeter how all you need for basketball is a ball and a hoop. Skeeter asks, "wouldn't it be neater if the court was a trampoline, the baskets moved, and you have a laser light show?
They point out how dangerous that sounds. I don't know why no one points out that these are bizarre examples to demonstrate simple design principles for shop class projects. After these demonstrations, they give Skeeter a make up project. He's to design a simple candy dish.
Skeeter gets to work, listing off supplies he needs that thoroughly dump on the idea of simplicity.
Back at Doug's house, his room is littered with hair products. Doug says he's getting positive results with the latest product.
"Only not on me."
Doug asks, "what am I gonna do, Porkchop? Patti's never gonna want to swim with a bald guy." Judy responds for Porkchop, telling Doug to wear a hat backwards. She says it's very hip. Here we get a fantasy that changes scene twice. First, Doug and Patti are dancing on a stage to what I guess is supposed to be Doug's impression of hip hop.
Next we get Doug in a rodeo.
And last, we get Doug as a fire fighter. In the first two scenes, Patti is impressed by his abilities and thinks his hat is nice. In the fire fighter scene, he saves her from a burning building.
While the cherry picker is lowering them to safety, he removes his helmet to wipe his brow. When Patti sees how bald he is, she demands to be put back in the burning building.
Where does Doug get this idea that baldness is worse that dying in a burning building? Pretty bleak, Doug.
After the fantasies, Judy offers him help because he's filling the house with negative energy.
Her help is shit, of course. She takes him to her school where he can try on the variety of wigs owned by the costume department.
I don't even know why you would try this one on.
"Dougie, somewhere out there some brilliant, dedicated scientists are working day and night on a cure for male pattern baldness so some greedy pharmaceutical giant can jack up the price and make a fortune. But look at the good side: maybe they'll do it in time so you can still be the life of the party."
And here's another fantasy. There's a pretty good dance party happening. All his friends are commenting on either the light show, how Doug is the life of the party, or both. Apparently, Doug thinks the scientific cure for male pattern baldness is just turning your bald head into a disco ball with lasers.
After this ridiculous fantasy, we get more of Skeeter's continued efforts to understand the word "simple." He reveals his simple candy dish and it's just a blue bowl. One of the teachers puts a piece of candy in the dish to test it. When it successfully holds the candy, they congratulate Skeeter and give him an A.
When their backs are turned, Skeeter pushes a hidden button to make mechanical arms raise out of the bowl, unwrap the piece of candy and feed it to him while a robotic voice states the time, temperature, and that Tsunami City will open in 34 minutes.
Back at the Funnie house, Theda asks Doug if he's heading to the water park. He says he's going to the movies instead.
While walking to the movie theater, Doug passes his barber. Joe asks him why he isn't at the new water park.
Doug reveals his growing insecurity over his hair loss. Joe chuckles and says he has lots of products to fight baldness. Doug asks, "really?" Joe says none of them work and his two old friends add...
Doug asks what does work and they all tell him you can't beat mother nature.
"But Doug, if you're worried that people won't like you because you've lost some hair, hey! That's their loss!"
"Cuz you're still the same person!"
Three balding old men, two of them total strangers, finally tell Doug what he needs to hear. It's one of those things that should be obvious.
Anyway, Doug says, "maybe you guys are right. Only a loser would let hair worries keep him from water pleasure. Only a loser would skip out on his friends when they're having fun! So what's it gonna be, Doug Funnie!?"
The movie, of course.
Doug sits by himself and starts eating his popcorn.
Nearby, a woman is playing with her date's hair while they both chuckle. A rude, obese man, possibly a pervert (not because he's obese or rude, but because look at all the empty seats. He just wants to rub up against the young boy and he looks like Dennis Hastert without glasses) sits next to Doug.
The lights dim and the previews begin. The original Smash Adams star is apparently making his return to movies with Cueball. It's basically Smash Adams if he was bald and used his shiny bald head to his advantage at every opportunity. During a fight, he reflects light off his head to distract his opponent.
During a water skiing/sea-doo chase scene, there's no apparent reason for it, but he's uses his head.
I would watch this ridiculous movie, buy the novelization, then drunkenly make fun of it.
Make it happen, Vin Diesel.
On his way out of the theater, Doug has a realization.
"Did Patti's pimple make me like her any less? No way! Did Beebe's new nose make her any different? No."
"And did Roger's goatee make him cooler? Well, sort of."
The concessions cashier stops Doug on his way out and asks if he wants to look bald. He's selling, or maybe giving away, promotional bald caps for Cueball.
At the Tsunami City, Doug is at the top of a slide when he pokes his head out. He's wearing the Cueball bald cap and says, "hey everybody, I'm Cueball!" He throws off the bald cap and slides down.
No one asks him what the fuck that meant. Chalky and Patti are glad to see him and ask if he's feeling better. He says he is and asks where Skeeter is. Skeeter is about to demonstrate his super simple dive. He actually does a cannonball. The shop teachers are there and they comment on how complicated his super simple dive must have been and he teaches them the important aspects of a simple cannonball. It's all dumb.
Beebe drives by on this monstrosity, and says hello.
Doug asks about her bandage, since she was supposed to have it off by this point. Chalky and Patti says she had another operation to put her nose back the way it was before because she liked it better. They laugh and splash each other and someone takes this picture so Doug can put it in his photo album.
Doug says his mom pointed out another uncle that Judy didn't mention. Here's Uncle Harry. Or Hairy? Whatever.
"When you really think about it, Journal, people don't become your friends based on your hair, or your complexion, or your nose. They like you based on you. And if they don't, well, they're probably not good friends, and I've got some great ones."
This episode ends with a joke about Roger asking Doug for some of his hair growth products.
Total fabrication. As far as we know, Doug isn't telling people that he's trying GLH or any of that other shit that doesn't work. Mr. Dink saw him with the GLH shit and Judy saw him with whatever bullshit wasn't working for him but was working for Porkchop. Maybe Doug went to school the next day and complained to everyone about his hair loss and the lack of instant results from hair growth products, but that would require that he didn't care what people thought of him. If he didn't care what people thought of him, he wouldn't use the products to begin with and this show wouldn't exist.