Bad news, everyone!
The Beets are breaking up. This episode begins with Doug watching a commercial for their farewell tour. The band fights so much they have to have four separate stages.
Throughout the commercial, they're fighting each other for the mic, or throwing instruments at each other. Shots of the crowd imply happy customers. This must be what they were expecting from the farewell tour, however I can't imagine why this would make anyone happy. Maybe the fans are expected to watch this shit show as a way to come to terms with the break up. They aren't cheering for their favorite band so much as enthusiastically agreeing with the four members for wanting nothing to do with each other. Either way, Doug is excited. He rushes off to his room to reveal that he has a wall safe behind a painting. There appears to be only one thing in the safe.
It's a money bank shaped like The Beets' logo. Saying, "well guys, I guess it's time to break up the act," Doug promptly smashes the money bank to reveal the worst.
He's broke. Tickets for the concert go on sale next week. He might have been better off trying to sell that collectible, officially licensed The Beets money bank. Maybe he could have saved his money by not buying both the money bank and the wall safe. Maybe he should go ask his dad for financial advice, or maybe for just the money for another money bank so he can have somewhere to put money when he starts saving money for the tickets.
When he first asks for ticket money, Phil is looking at bills. Phil quickly shuts him down by saying, "money doesn't grow on trees. And speaking of trees, babies don't grow on them either. I don't think we ever finished our little talk. You see, when a man and a woman, uh..."
"But dad, I already know all that!"
"You explained it to me that time I wanted to enter that stupid puzzle contest. And when I wanted that really expensive skateboard. I know money doesn't grow on trees!"
Doug begs his father to make an exception this one time because it's The Beets farewell tour. Phil, perhaps relieved that he doesn't have to educate his son about sex, suggests he get a job. He immediately fantasizes about being able to get two tickets so he could take Patti.
Outside, Doug wonders out loud, "but what kind of job could I get?" Porkchop has an idea.
Thankfully, Doug dismisses this idea immediately. He says, "that works about as often as breaking a piggy bank." He needs a real job, something like this totally unrealistic fantasy where he hosts The Up Real Late Show.
It's a very basic David Letterman parody with Skeeter as Paul Shaffer, and the only question he asks before the fantasy is over is "can you get me some free tickets?" After the fantasy, Doug says, "on the other hand, it might be months before I get a talk show." This is unfortunately the end of his thoughts on this matter. I would have enjoyed watching Doug try to get a talk show. Theda has a much more practical idea.
"What about Grandma Funnie? Maybe she could use an assistant at her craft shop after school, Douglas."
Judy craps on the idea because Grandma Edna's Craftee Shoppee is not hip.
Not pictured: Hip
"Judy was probably right about Grandma Edna's Craftee Shoppee. It certainly wasn't as cool as having your own talk show."
At this point, Doug lets us know that failing to get tickets doesn't really mean he can't see the concert. It's an open air venue, and you can sit on Founders Hill.
It's not ideal, but neither is paying any amount of money to watch four
adults fight so much they can't even play a song together to make their
commercials look like their farewell tour won't be a total waste of time
Meanwhile at Mr. Swirly's, Roger breaks a computer for failing to answer a question so simple you shouldn't need a computer to figure it out.
Then he coolly asks Patti if she's got a date to the concert yet. She says, "maybe I'm not going with anyone. People can go to concerts by themselves, you know." Roger takes the hint, shits on it, and then asks if she'll go with him. She asks if she can think about it.
As Doug is walking into the restaurant, Roger tells her, "chop chop, little missy. Concert's expensive. But I bet it's a sell out. Of course you could always go with Funnie here and sit on top of Mt. Loser." Connie, ever helpful, says Doug would never ask Patti to do something that dumb. As that was unfortunately what Doug was about to do, and because no one had called him about hosting his own talk show, it was going to be Grandma Edna's Craftee Shopee.
Grandma Edna is excited too. She says she doesn't want to make a fortune, and then points out her motto, which is this.
She says, "I just want to have a nice place for my home girls to hang."
Now, as Doug is a terribly unreliable narrator, it's difficult to say how much time has passed since Doug first started working for his grandmother and when his first pay day was. We know that tickets are going on sale "next week" but it could be Sunday of this week when he saw the commercial, Monday of this week when he started working, and Friday of next week that tickets go on sale. It's possible his first pay day was Friday of this week but it hardly matters because this is all bullshit.
She apologizes and says it's been a slow week. She'll pay him next week. Doug reflects on the fact that this amounted to the same result as smashing his money bank. This triggers a fantasy where he escorts Patti to the concert, hands the ticket guy two I.O.U.s, and starts strutting into the venue while Patti boasts that she told everyone they were going. The ticket guy calls him out and the fantasy ends with an embarrassed Doug and annoyed Patti up on Founders Hill, where someone has placed a terribly unhelpful sign.
The next day (I guess?) Doug and Skeeter go to the local comic book store to browse. I don't know how this is supposed to help Doug afford tickets. If anything, he's just going to find something else he can't buy. Roger is there buying up all The Beets comics. Skeeter says he heard that Roger plans to buy a whole row of seats for the concert so he can stretch out. Roger inquires about a new impulse item at the counter called "Scum." The cashier explains that it's just green slime. It doesn't do anything. It's just green slime. Roger promptly throws it in Doug's face.
Then he buys a dozen. The cashier says it costs $5. Skeeter says, "$5 for that junk? Man I wish I had that kind of money." Somehow, this whole exchange gives Doug a great idea. Having just heard that the rich spendthrift kid is well-stocked on Scum, and his best friend doesn't have $5 he could just throw away on slime, Doug gets the brilliant idea to convince his grandmother to start selling Scum. It is a testament to senility that, after consulting with her friends on the matter, she agrees to give Doug a little more say so in the operation of the store.
It's not just Scum though. He introduces all sorts of stupid crap that his friends would buy. So, there's toys and other shit that really aren't worth mentioning.
We don't get to see his paycheck this time, but there is this curious bit where he has one of those stupid thermometers fundraisers use to show how far they are from the goal. His grandmother gives him his paycheck and he walks over and fills in the rest of it.
Given that his last paycheck was an I.O.U. and his money bank contained an I.O.U., I'm going to assume that Doug doesn't know how these thermometer things are supposed to motivate you and he just really likes coloring shit red.
Finally, Grandma Edna tells Doug she has some concerns about the shop. Before she can make him feel bad for ruining her quiet place for her friends, Doug says, "I know what you're thinking and you're right. 'Grandma Edna's Craftee Shoppee' just isn't cutting it as a store name anymore." Doug has a suggestion.
"The Scum-Pit" just barely beat out "Fuck You, Grandma" in the focus group.
Without finishing this terrible conversation he started about changing the name, or even pretending to give a shit about his grandmothers actual concerns, Doug rushes off to get in line for tickets. At the box office he finds Skunky in a tent, who says he's been there for three weeks to insure primo seats. Doug promptly lines up behind him. Skunky is dumb as shit.
Finally, the box office opens and the cashier asks, "cash or charge?"
Skunky replies, "huh? Dummer, dude. Forgot my money." He then promptly walks away because he is dumb as shit.
Doug asks for two tickets, front row, center. Skeeter, behind him in line, pronounces, "Wow! Great tickets, man!" It's true because they glow.
Skeeter doesn't buy tickets himself. Roger basically curses the line and offers to buy Doug's tickets.
He says just the right things to push Doug's anxiety buttons. First, he points out he doesn't need two tickets. Why, he's not thinking of asking Mayonnaise to go with him, is he? Second, "no girl wants to go out with some guy they think is gonna try to borrow money from em." Third, poor man, "chicks want a guy to be rich, like me!"
"Even though he was completely wrong, I had this nagging feeling Roger might be, well...right."
Really, it's like Roger is the only one that understands Doug and he really gets off on screwing with him. So while Roger leaves in his limousine, Doug slips into paranoid fantasy.
Actually, this is off to a good start. They're both well dressed and excited to go on this apparent date. Unfortunately, she is totally turned off by Doug's bicycle. As Roger is standing there with his limousine, she hardly needs Doug's permission to ditch him.
Roger's offering her food and beverage and hot tub and being too forward by suggesting they skip the concert all together when a curious knocking occurs. They open the sunroof and Doug is there on a rope ladder. After rescuing Patti, he has the helicopter lower their couch onto the stage at the concert.
This completely insane fantasy leads Doug to inquire about the actual cost of renting a helicopter. Seeing the estimate, he faints.
He doesn't quite faint at the limousine rental place, but his reaction isn't much better. Skeeter helps him do the math and basically he won't make enough money in time to rent a limousine. He's thinking about selling the tickets to Roger after all since Patti won't want to go with someone who can't do better than a bicycle for transportation.
So lets take this moment to reflect on a thing or two.
1. He hasn't even asked Patti to go with him.
2. Actually, never mind. That's enough. He hasn't asked her and he's already making shitty excuses for her not to go with him. Excuses that she would never make, and honestly, if she was the type to make such excuses, would she really be someone he wanted to go with in the first place? It's this whole thing where he's completely in love with her but completely unaware of her character again. So really, he just likes her for her looks. It's merely a coincidence that she's a great person and he's completely unaware of that fact at every opportunity.
Anyway, while moaning about never being able to impress Patti the way Roger can, Doug watches a news report about Starbluffs, a Starbucks ripoff by Bill Bluff. The report about the new Starbluffs gives Doug an idea. Really, it is the same idea he had with Scum. Basically, there's a business in town selling crap that is over-priced. First it was $5 for green slim. Now it's $4 for coffee-flavored foam. Doug's big idea is to rip off these businesses. He runs the idea by Grandma Edna, who then runs it by her friends and they give it the go ahead. Here's where the real stupid happens. Selling Scum and other bullshit is fairly simple. This new rip-off idea required the equipment to turn Grandma Edna's Craftee Shoppee into a coffee shop too. This meant Grandma Edna needed to take out a loan.
So, they end up on the news. When I first watched this, I thought this news segment was going to be a fantasy with the sad reveal that the loan was a total disaster, but it's real. The store has been bafflingly renamed "Ednaesque." They have Skunky out on the sidewalk in a cappuccino costume and you wonder if Skunky is getting paid the same as Doug. The place seems to be a hit.
After the news reporter is finished, Doug comes out to give Skunky some tips on being "fluffy and foamy." When Doug isn't looking, Skunky accidentally/blindly walks into the back of a moving truck, setting up a running gag through the rest of the episode where he gets completely lost, then picked up by one of The Beets looking for a gimmick for their solo career, then carried back to Bluffington to be lowered onto the stage during The Beets' performance. Just wanted to get that out of the way now.
"In all the excitement of putting together the perfect date, I almost forgot the most important thing." Right you are, Doug. Here he is practicing asking out Patti on Skeeter.
After Skeeter gives his approval of the question, Patti enter's Mr. Swirly's and walks over to them. Skeeter quickly exits the scene to give them some privacy because he's a good friend.
Doug tells her he has a question but before he can ask, his cell phone rings.
I know what you're thinking, and yeah, like...when did Doug get a cell phone? Who is paying for that? I can't say I know what a monthly bill on a cell phone was when this aired, but surely a month or two of service could have been sacrificed to pay for Beets tickets.
Anyway, Grandma Edna is calling because Skunky is missing. I've already covered this. Doug hangs up and tells Patti he has to go but he has a surprise. He asks if she's going to the concert with anyone, she answers with a confused "no," and he responds, "great! Perfect!" He then swiftly leaves.
A week away from the concert, Doug reflects on how great everything is going. His tickets are still glowing. Skunky is still missing. He's lined up everything to make it a perfect night...
...except that he still hasn't technically asked Patti.
Suddenly, or somehow not already, Starbluffs opens across the street.
Doug found out about this by a commercial on the television playing in Ednaesque. Before the commercial, his store was packed. After the commercial, empty. The citizens of Bluffington are basically mindless. There's an old Lewis Black routine about a Starbucks that was across the street from another Starbucks, and this is worse than that. Doug's version of Starbucks had toys and craft supplies. It was fun. Literally everyone in the store abandoned them the minute a place without the fun across the street opened. Doug reassures Grandma Edna that Starbluffs was just a dumb fad.
On the day of the concert, Doug sees how wrong he was. Starbluffs' line is out the door and he has no customers. In fact, repo-men are there for the coffee equipment. Doug takes his stupid thermometer fundraiser poster and throws it in the trash, saying he has enough money to put the shop back the way it was. He apologizes to his grandmother and she is surprisingly cool with him destroying her credit. She says no one could have predicted this and he lived up to his responsibilities. Crazy is often hereditary.
As they're finishing fixing the shop, Doug asks Skeeter if they paid everyone. Skeeter says that they just made it after he used the little money he had saved to pay off the Scum guy. Doug realizes what this means and feels terrible that Skeeter won't get to go to the concert now. Unfortunately, before Doug can come to the logical conclusion of taking his best friend, the person that introduced him to The Beets, Skeeter notices there's one more person that needs to be paid. Doug forgot to pay the movers. Skeeter suggests asking Grandma Edna to pay the movers, but Doug knows what he has to do.
So obviously, Doug sold his tickets to Roger. Guess who agreed to go to the concert with Roger.
As they're sitting in their front row seats, Patti wonders out loud where Doug is sitting. Roger explains the situation and she is not pleased.
At first, Doug is a little upset that she's there. He did everything to get her that ticket (except, of course, ask her if she even wanted it) and he insists that she get back down there and enjoy the show. She explains that concerts aren't really about where you sit, but who you're sitting with. She also mentions she gave the ticket to someone who didn't have one (Skeeter).
So Doug and Patti have a great time on a curiously empty hill. I mean, if everyone knows you can watch concerts for free from this hill, and it's a sold out show, the hill should be crowded. Not that it matters, really. I might as well complain that the moon is never actually that big in the sky.
I know I haven't written a post in almost two years, but you know how life goes, right? I could explain the circumstances but what difference is that really going to make? As I am still alive and I still have more Disney episodes (and the movie), I'm going to try to get to them now that I have the time to do so.