Episode 16, Part 1: Doug's Secret Admirer

"Dear Journal, REMEMBER THIS DAY! Today was the day I got my first kiss! It happened earlier this evening at the Bluffington Beet Blossom Festival Parade, but it actually started yesterday morning."

Yesterday morning began with Doug opening his locker and having a pink piece of paper fall out onto the floor. Doug picks it up and...

The beginning of trouble. He's immediately frozen in space so bad Skeeter has to wave his hand in front of his face to get his attention. When Doug finally snaps out of it, he shows Skeeter the note.

This should be good...

In class, Doug can't pay attention because he's dwelling on the note.

Notice how everyone else is working? Ms. Wingo is teaching, but as we're hearing what Doug hears, we get, "If pi r squared and i comes before e except after c and always remember early to bed, early to rise..."

Doug comes to the illogical conclusion that whoever wrote it disguised their handwriting. I say illogical because I'm going to give Doug the benefit of the doubt and assume he's not creepy enough to have studied every student's handwriting to be such an expert that he would know this note had disguised handwriting. Of course, this is Doug Funnie though. I could be wrong. Oh, but who is Doug's first guess at who the secret admirer could be?

It's these girls. That's right. In Doug's journal, writing about a girl that he has good reason to believe likes him, he first suspects two girls he's never mentioned before. He gave them the names Nancy Panko (on the right) and Vanessa Van Holten, because sometimes nameless extras get names. Then he goes into crazy mode.

Not everyone is as crazy as you, Doug. Also, one person put a note in your locker. You can fantasize it was Nancy, or you can fantasize it was Vanessa, but you can't fantasize it was both. Please take note of how crazy this is.

Anyway, that fantasy ends when Doug realizes that Nancy and Vanessa have noticed he's staring at them. One says, "Why don't you take a picture?" The other continues, "yeah, it'll last longer." Doug is creepy.
So who next? If it wasn't those two girls having the strangest identity crisis of all time, then it must be...

"Maybe she wanted me to join her in the beet blossom parade."

This is a reasonable fantasy.

But it doesn't last. His next suspect is Roger.

I love that Doug thinks Roger would dress up like a woman for this prank. I guess he thinks it would make the notes seem more authentic if Roger was dressed in drag. I don't know. Anyway, Doug quickly comes to the conclusion that it couldn't be Roger because Roger's spelling was terrible. "He couldn't spell 'admirer' if his life depended on it."

Can't see anything wrong with that. I mean...the guy that goes through the trouble of unnecessarily dressing in drag couldn't possibly go through the trouble of finding a fucking dictionary. Or getting a friend to help. HOW ABSURD! Moving on...

Doug finds another note in his locker. This one tells him to meet her at the Honkerburger tonight. She'll be wearing her Bluffington school sweatshirt. Skeeter gets excited as a motherfucker because Doug is "going on a blind date!"

This is great. This is how Doug prepares for a blind date.

Way to go, grandpa. After the Honkerburger, maybe you can take her to the nearest bingo game or find a game of shuffleboard where you can impress her with your skills. Maybe find a nice duck pond to sit near.

And because getting ready for a date is far too boring, Doug's mind wanders.

And hallucinates. Suddenly his hallucination of himself as someone cool starts yelling at him.

And fades into...

Apparently she's been standing there for a while. Waiting to use the bathroom. I don't know how long she was there listening to Doug talk to himself, but the fact that she had to yell him out of his fantasy means it was way too long. And did she get Doug some help for this? No. She told him to tell the girl she looks nice, and then kicked him out of the bathroom. Good advice, Judy, but not really the kind of help your little brother needs.

So finally, Doug gets to the Honkerburger and notices Patti and OH MY GOD SHE'S WEARING HER SCHOOL SWEATER! He walks up and tells her she looks nice. She replies, "I look terrible, Doug. I just came from a ballgame."
Doug: "Still, you're right on time."
Patti: "Doug, what are you talking about?"
Doug: "Oh, y'know...our little secret."
Then he finally noticed something that would've been painfully obvious to anyone looking for someone wearing a specific article of clothing...



Doug is just...lazy? I don't get how he didn't notice this right away. Also, his secret admirer is a stupid bitch, whoever she is. This isn't a coincidence that they are all wearing the sweatshirts. Patti explains that they just came from a beetball game. It doesn't matter that that doesn't really make sense, (seriously...what do the sweatshirts have to do with beetball?). What matters is that his secret admirer picked something many people were likely to be wearing anyway. Pick something a little more distinct, or maybe just don't bother with the secret admirer bullshit.

After feeling terribly embarrassed for thinking it was Patti (also, lol, it's not Patti), Doug goes in the Honkerburger and waits for his secret admirer until they close. Pathetic.

At school the next morning, Doug and Skeeter spot the idiot slipping the next note in his locker.

Oh. Weird. At first Doug loves the idea. He just can't get over the fact that someone likes him, probably because he hates himself so much it doesn't make sense for other people to like him. Then Skeeter, either because he hates to see Doug happy, or because he really hates Beebe, points out to Doug that Beebe is a total brat. This causes Doug to think about what their relationship would be like. First, she's going to redecorate his room in impossible ways.

She's filled it with plants, and a little pond with a swan in it, and a little stream. It's bizarre. Very bizarre to think she'd be able to do this. And the worst part!

PORKCHOP IS NOT AMUSED!

Doug comes back from this fantasy with, "THIS IS TERRIBLE!" Then he reads the note she just put in his locker and it tells him to meet her at the ball game and apologizes for missing him last night. This is when Skeeter gives what is perhaps the greatest advice ever given to anyone anywhere.

"You gotta get it through her head that you two don't make a pair. I know...why don't you sock/slug her?"

It's hard to tell over the sound effect of his hand motion whether it's sock or slug, and it hardly matters. Either way, Skeeter's first idea is to punch Beebe. I guess technically, he's right. A good punch to the mouth would really show Beebe that they don't make a pair, but wow. What's wrong with just saying it? SKEETER DON'T USE WORDS! SKEETER USE FIST! Ladies! Never date Skeeter.

After this brilliant suggestion, Doug considers Skeeter's next idea. This one is to dress him up and make him act like the person Beebe hates the most.

I can't believe he's even trying it. After Skeeter told him to hit Beebe, why would he ever listen to Skeeter's ideas for dealing with women? Never. Again.

In the basketball court, Roger notices Doug's new outfit and says, "hey, get a load of Funnie! Hahahaha! Hey, Funnie! You look like a doofus! What a loser! Hahahaha!"

He stands like this on the bleachers because it's a cool way to look normal and disguise his rickets.

Anyway, Beebe is sitting with two friends, and Skeeter is sitting behind her and so Doug makes his move and puts on his best Roger voice and starts picking on Skeeter. And because of Doug's general lack of competence, both of them fall off the bleachers and get a mean look from Beebe.

They assume this worked.

They were wrong. Doug finds another note in his locker. This time she wants to meet him at the beet blossom parade, and she mentions the costume she'll be wearing which is good because it's more specific. Of course, now that he knows it's Beebe, it's sort of unnecessary.

Skeeter starts to go off on another plan about dressing Doug up in a raccoon costume when Doug cuts him off and says he's going to unleash Plan C.
"Plan C is where, when I see Beebe coming, I run and hide."
Skeeter: "GENIUS, DOUG!"

Look...I know they're only 11 or whatever, but come on. This is at least a huge step up from punching her.
So at the parade, Doug spots her, and Skeeter is quick to remind him about Plan C, but he quickly changes his mind. He actually has a moment of reflection where he thinks about how hard it is to tell someone you like them (Patti), and how awful you felt if they ignored you (Patti). So he goes right up and says he doesn't think they're right for each other.

She immediately agrees. Then he gives her the notes back.

This makes her cry. And cry. Doug misunderstands this and as he is stumbling through the whole, "we can be friends" thing, Beebe says, "that was your locker, Doug? OH! I'm so embarrassed!"

HA!

Then Beebe realizes that the guy she meant them for never got them, and so he wasn't actually ignoring her! She pounces on Doug.

And that's how he got his first kiss. Bravo, Doug.

Then Beebe says this wonderful, comforting bit of insult, "don't take it the wrong way, Doug. I mean...you're okay. But frankly, I find you incredibly plebeian."

Bitch.

Doug's response? "Thanks! I think you're, uh...that. Too."

He just doesn't get that she just insulted him. Somewhat harshly too. Hopefully one day, after Doug figures out the meaning of the word plebeian, he will read this journal entry and remember it not so fondly. It is pretty weird that Doug focused on the (sort of) good (first kiss) this time, instead of the bad (doesn't really have a secret admirer, still can't talk to Patti about his feelings). It's also weird that he even counts that kiss. It wasn't a "I like you" kiss. It doesn't matter. It's a wonder Beebe went slumming in that moment anyway.

If you're wondering who the notes were really for, it was Skeeter. If only she knew Skeeter's first instinct was a good punching.